Tupac and Biggie. Jay Z and Nas. Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff. These are the contenders in the biggest pop culture feuds of the last 10 years. Apparently, Disney’s “Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen” was a major bone of contention for the two starlets. But the final product is a movie so erratic and overly pink that Lohan must have won the battle and lost the war.
“Confessions” tells the story of Mary Cep (Lohan), who dreams of being a famous Broadway actress. Yet when she moves from the big city to the Jersey suburbs with her single mother and two sisters, it seems all hope is lost. On top of that, Mary soon learns that the streets of the suburbs can be much meaner than those of the city.
Spinning a web of little white lies, Mary makes more enemies than friends at her new high school. As she deals with life at home, the breakup of her favorite band and taking the lead in the school play, Mary is determined to show the world that life is what you make of it.
Obviously, this film doesn’t have the intention of being an Oscar picture or even appealing to people over the age of 17. Yet, even with that in mind, it’s not without problems. The story doesn’t progress logically, putting Mary in the middle of contemporary rock versions of “Pygmalion” and heart-to-heart conversations with her favorite rock star. Most teens cannot relate to a story like this, no matter how good their imaginations.
But perhaps the most confusing part of the story concerns the “male friend” character, Sam (Eli Malienthal), who pops in and out of scenes seemingly at random, barely even communicating with Mary until a rather absurd surprise at the film’s conclusion. Between these elements and the wild splashes of bright pinks, yellows and blues that decorate the sets, the movie is almost seizure-inducing.
But the film is not a total waste of time. Lohan is able to emit a certain level of charm while impressively belting out a few tunes written by Mark Mothersbaugh of the ’80s New Wave band Devo. Adam Garcia has an amusing moment or two as “tortured poet” and songwriter Stu Wolffe. But in the end, it’s a shame that the few bright spots of this film get lost in the shuffle.