This was a tough week for conservatives. Not only was our clean, American pastime of football interrupted by the horror of an exposed breast, but Massachusetts is now adding to conservatives’ woes. The missing weapons of mass destruction and $521 billion projected budget deficit? Yeah, I suppose those are important, too. But let’s stay focused on the true threat to our nation: gays.

Apparently the “activist judges” whom George Bush managed to talk about in between steroids and marriage initiatives weren’t intimidated by the president’s astounding State of the Union address. Those judges reiterated Wednesday that gays have every right to marry in the state of Massachusetts. This is just like those damn homosexuals. First they want to be treated like humans, then they want to serve their country in the military, and now they want to enter into meaningful, monogamous relationships. No wonder conservatives are so pissed.

But don’t worry; Rush Limbaugh has once again come to the rescue. This beacon of intelligence has explained why homosexuals should not be allowed to marry: Noah Webster says they can’t. It seems that when defining marriage, Mr. Webster described it as being between “a man and a woman.” So there you have it. Homosexuals can’t marry because a man in 1840 excluded gays from his definition of marriage. Who says Republicans aren’t a progressive party?

Amazingly, el Rushbo even had an analogy to back up his reasoning. Limbaugh calmly explained to a distraught gay caller that just like we have rules regarding “men’s restrooms” and “women’s restrooms,” we also have rules regarding marriage. So until we have unisex restrooms, no gay marriage. I’m not making this up. But let’s give poor Rush the benefit of the doubt and write off that analogy as a side effect from the painkillers (does that joke ever stop giving?).

Actually, even without the painkillers, I have to admit that even Limbaugh isn’t stupid enough to truly believe there is a problem with gay marriage. So why does the party that refuses to let the government “overstep its bounds” in helping poor people advocate Uncle Sam telling Americans whom they can or cannot marry?

The answer lies in the reality that any decent Republican hates to admit: the group of intolerant bigots that is the Christian Right still largely controls the GOP. Although – fortunately, for the sake of the free world – Pat Robertson lost the presidential bid in 1988, the 700 Club mentality still has a solid lock on the Republican base. And we all know that when the conservative base says jump, the Republican Party can’t wait to ask how high.

First, let me clarify. I use the term “Christian Right” very loosely. I see absolutely nothing Christian or right about Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell and other misguided fools.

Sadly, according to these Christian radicals, the love and mercy of Jesus Christ is best utilized in persecuting homosexuals. After all, isn’t that what Jesus did when he was on earth? Doesn’t the verse go, “God sent his only begotten Son to make sure men didn’t have sex with each other”?

Actually, if the Christian Right spent less time telling us whom God would vote for, they’d discover an odd Christian phenomenon called “compassion.” In fact, a large portion of the Christian Bible is devoted to this concept. Maybe if radical righters spent a little less time drooling over the story of Sodom and Gomorrah they’d have a slightly altered policy approach toward homosexuals.

But the Christian Right is a reality, and it can be guaranteed that they will use the issue of gay marriage as political fodder. The few remaining decent Republicans out there really should be embarrassed of their party. Instead of sticking to the true issues at hand, Republicans have resorted to taking orders from a disgruntled and hateful constituency.

But aside from partisanship, I too share the embarrassment. As a Christian, I am ashamed of those who profess hate, all in the name of God. Although it doesn’t mean much, I truly do apologize to homosexuals who have been victims of the intolerance and persecution under a banner that should be utilized for love and compassion. Persecution of homosexuals is un-Biblical, un-American and just plain wrong. I, for one, encourage Republicans and Democrats alike to fight against such bigotry so that one day all may truly live as equals under the great American flag.

-The writer, a sophomore majoring in international affairs, is a Hatchet contributing editor.