Battle of the Sexes

Q: My best friend Leslie, my then-boyfriend Stephen and I went to Hawaii over spring break last year. We all got drunk together, then when my back was turned, Leslie and Stephen hooked up. I was furious with them and they apologized, saying they were drunk and never meant to hurt me. But after we got back he dumped me and started dating Leslie. They broke up three months ago and I know Leslie would like to be friends with me again. I want to forgive her, but I’m not sure I know how. What should I do?

Chick: Are you not sure how to forgive her, or are you not sure you want to forgive her? Because this Leslie sounds pretty toxic, and if I were you I wouldn’t bother trying to reconnect. Friendships are based on trust and respect, and Leslie not only broke your trust by hooking up with your boyfriend, but, after she knew you were hurt, continued to date him once you returned from Hawaii, showing a complete lack of respect for your feelings. Coveting thy best friend’s boyfriend is the eighth deadly sin, and I wouldn’t risk having my heart broken twice. Do yourself a favor and continue the New Year by avoiding bad-karma-Leslie. You’ll thank me!

Dick: Either you are a loser and don’t have enough friends and that’s why you want Leslie back, or you are just a typical girl who is looking to pack as much drama into her day as possible. I think that it’s not the former, because clearly you are cool enough to write into an advice column in a college paper. That makes you a typical girl, just trying to make your life, and the lives of people around you, more difficult. If you really want to be friends with Leslie, you should level the field by hooking up with the one person you know would truly anger her. That way your guilt will help you get over what happened to you.

Q: I feel like I’m only ever interested in the same type of girl. They’re always short, over-protective girls who are really emotionally needy and completely self-centered. Is there a way out of this, or am I going to be stuck in this pattern forever?

Chick: Give yourself a pat on the back for at least recognizing the pattern you’re stuck in! People live their whole lives chasing after the bad apples and then wonder why they wind up miserable. Just by being aware of the problem, you can start to avoid the vain, snooty type and be on the lookout for someone sweeter and more down to earth. Now is the time to start asking yourself why you like this type of girl: do you think you only deserve someone who treats you horribly? Do you like the idea of being a girl’s “everything”? Do you fear being the needy one in a relationship, so you choose girls needier than you? Think about it, because once you get to the root of this problem it will be smooth sailing. In the meantime, continue to put yourself out there, and ask your female friends if they know of anyone sweet who would be a good match for you.

Dick: I don’t see why this is a bad thing. You found something that works and you’re sticking to it. It’s like masturbating to BangBus, downloaded off of KaZaA. If you are really ready to switch things up, my advice is a 12-step program. Start with a girl who is just a little different – maybe she isn’t quite as short. Then the next night try one a little taller and less self-centered. And so on. But let’s face it, unless you want to go gay, you’re going to end up with someone emotionally needy and self-centered. But if you do find a cooler girl, I guarantee she will be too ugly to even be on BangBus.

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