Battle of the Sexes

Question: I made out with this guy, off and on, for about two months. Then he started getting clingy, and I decided we should break it off. I told him I didn’t think we should see each other anymore, but he won’t leave me alone. I’m starting to feel uncomfortable. How do I get him to go away?

Chick: Breakups are almost always awkward, but they should never make you feel unsafe. You failed to mention how this guy is still acting clingy, though. Is he leaving messages and surprising you in Starbucks in the hope of getting back together? Or has he turned sour and is now acting rude or threatening? If it’s the former, it’s best to address him one last time and explain, politely, that no amount of pleading or puppy-eyes will make you guys a couple again. Say, for example, “I’m sorry, Stalky, but I don’t want to be a part of this relationship anymore. You’re a great guy, but I just don’t think we work well enough together. I thought it was better to be honest than lead you on, but this is the last time I will tell you because you’re starting to make me feel uncomfortable.” Sure it sounds a little harsh, but at least the little flicker of hope will be snuffed out once and for all. If this guy is starting to act threatening, however, again tell him that he must stop or you will take action. If that doesn’t serve as a wake-up call for him, save any scary messages or notes he’s left you for a report to University Police.

Dick: You must have been really good in the sack; otherwise he wouldn’t be so clingy. A good trick for getting rid of people is to let them see you do something dirty to someone else. So the next time he shows up at a party you’re at, just go down on a guy in front of everyone and he’ll get the picture. Sex on the couch at a party not only would get rid of him, but it would also make it one of the more exciting parties in GW history. Another idea is the typical girl option, which is to just act like you are in a sorority. Talk shit behind his back but to someone who you know will tell him; then make hissing noises every time he walks by. But if that’s not your style, hooking up with his roommate when he’s home will probably be your best option.

Question: What’s a good way to integrate a new girl into my old circle of friends? I’m hoping I won’t have to sacrifice as much time with my friends if she gets along with them, too, but they don’t exactly have a lot of common interests. Any ideas?

Chick: I’m sure your new girlfriend is just as eager as you are for her to make a good impression on your friends. Lucky for you, this means she’ll be more willing to hang out with them. Choose something that everyone can agree on, like bowling or going to a hookah bar or a diner, and keep things short and sweet (i.e., don’t make a whole evening of it). Then see what the jury says: if there’s a spark – if your friends thinks she’s great and your girlfriend thinks they’re funny – then slowly add another get-together until your group feels natural. Two words of warning, though: if there isn’t a spark, or if the reactions differ (your girlfriend likes your friends, but they don’t like her) then don’t force it, unless you’re a masochist and you enjoy awkward Friday nights. The other pitfall is forgetting your girlfriend is a girlfriend and not another guy friend, and then forgetting to occasionally plan a special evening out or some quality alone time.

Dick: Don’t bring a girl you want to bone into your circle of friends. That is like bringing genital warts to a nudist colony. It’s not going to do anyone any good. If you want to bone the girl, you have two choices. One is to spend time with her and do it the gentlemanly way, which is to say, missionary while whispering sweet-nothings into her ear. Your other option is to hang out with your friends, hope she gets drunk, call her and then go over to her place and do it from behind. Now, it’s important to go to her place in this scenario because then you can leave when you want, not to mention you don’t have to deal with washing the sheets. Either way, her hanging out with your friends is about as smart as using a Safeway bag for a condom.

Question: After my second date with “Amy,” she brought me back to her place to meet her roommate. Now, there’s nothing wrong with Amy, but her roommate is unbelievable. I’m not sure if her roomie is interested in me, so how do I go for her without risking ruining things with Amy? Is there a way I can pull off the switch without Amy hating me?

Chick: This is a classic case of “do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” Close your eyes and pretend you are bringing Amy’s amazing roommate home with you after your second date. She meets your roommate and sparks fly between them. How would you want her to handle the situation so that you don’t end up hating her? Keep in mind that in most female friendships, “chicks before dicks” is one of the major rules. So even if this girl is attracted to you, she might not be interested in starting anything up if Amy is really into you. In any case, if you are no longer interested in dating Amy (and thinking there’s “nothing wrong” with her doesn’t count as interest), then stop dating her, wait for a month or so, and then try to hang out with Amy’s roommate at a party to see if there are still sparks. If you’re still interested in Amy but simply more interested in her roomie, then try to hang out with Amy’s roommate again to see if your feelings are confirmed. If they are, repeat the above advice. If they aren’t, you have nothing to worry about.

Dick: Well, if they look alike and sleep in the same room, I would have to say, go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and then drunkenly stumble into the wrong bed. That way, as you slide in and wrap your arms around the roommate – and give a little lick in the ear – you can gauge her level of excitement. Now, this is just a warm-up move, like massaging her love button, all in the hopes of getting something real later on. Then get the roommate alone – the best bet is bringing ice cream over when you know Amy isn’t home but the roomie is. Then you will have both girls liking you, so the threesome won’t be hard to set up. During the threesome, the trick will be to make sure that roomie orgasms more than Amy, that way it will be clear that you like her best.

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