“Big Fish”
by Jesse Stanchak
Features Editor

“Big Fish” may be the strangest, most dazzlingly whimsical, downright gorgeous film of the year. Director Tim Burton returns to form with a quirky, delightfully impossible fable about Ed Bloom (Albert Finney), a dying old man who has spun his life into an elaborate tall tale. The film deals with the attempts of Ed’s son Will (Billy Crudup) to reconcile his father’s myths to the man who told them, before Ed passes away. The film interweaves Ed’s present with his fantastic version of the past, with Ewan McGregor (“Moulin Rouge”) playing his younger self while Will unravels the link between the truth and the stories.

This is Burton’s most careful, artfully shot film since “Edward Scissor Hands,” a feast for the eyes that whirls elegantly between tale and reality. Both Finney and McGregor give marvelous, charismatic performances, almost perfectly aping each other’s mannerisms to complete the illusion that they are a single man separated by time. Sadly, Crudup is so bland as the son that, when compared to the two versions of his firebrand father, he becomes a heartfelt distraction at best.

The stories, which involve a giant, a witch, a werewolf, the circus, Siamese twin cabaret singers and a strange utopia tucked away in a swamp, are just far enough off reality to give everything a familiar but bizarre feel to it, a sort of fairytale next door. They’re good stories, filled with enough humor and charm to make you wish things like this happened to all of us.

If there is anything to dislike here, it’s that the “real” parts of the movie can never quite live up to the old man’s tales – nothing could. The story gathers all its emotional punch by comparing the real world to the fantasy, but since one of them so overshadows the other, the contrast – while striking – is lost in the rush and thunder of Ed’s personal mythology. In “Big Fish,” the memories may outshine the experiences they’re drawn from, but go see it and you’re sure to be delighted with both.

“Along Came Polly”
by Janice Cane
Executive Editor

“Along Came Polly” (Universal Studios, opening Friday) is, as Alec Baldwin’s character keeps saying, “good things, good things.” It’s just not fantastic things. This flick is definitely enjoyable and worth seeing, but it is not the best romantic comedy out there.

There are few things funnier than Ben Stiller’s cheesy dancing moves set in slow motion, and “Along Came Polly” is delightfully sprinkled with such classic Stiller moments – you know the way he freaks out on people, and you know you love it.

Stiller plays Reuben Feffer, a phobic newlywed who assesses risk for a living, which takes him on some crazy adventures involving violent storms at sea and, on a tamer night, Moroccan food. But Reuben isn’t technically a newlywed for very long because fianc?e Lisa (Debra Messing) abandons him for skeezy scuba guy and French nudist Claude, played by the very funny Hank Azaria, whose story about a happy hippo will make you forgive him for fooling around with Reuben’s wife.

At first, Reuben is comforted by his always inappropriate boss (Baldwin) and his even more inappropriate and off-kilter best friend (Philip Seymour Hoffman), but he is thankfully “liberated” by Polly Prince (Jennifer Aniston). Aniston is right at home as this sitcom-like film’s flaky character. But what makes this movie just cute and not amazing is that Stiller and Aniston, while amusing together, don’t seem to have much chemistry, a must-have in any romantic comedy.

Even so, “Along Came Polly” provides some hearty laughs. Best friend Sandy, who makes about as much sense as Polly’s blind pet ferret, is a funny character, and Stiller himself is a riot in hairy situations – and I mean literally hairy when Reuben takes on a shirtless man during basketball. His poor digestive tract will gross you out (if you’ve ever had a bad Chipotle experience, you’ll sympathize), but he’s too adorable to not love, and guys will enjoy watching Aniston salsa dance – even girls will admit it’s sexy. And amid the humor, of course, there’s a lesson to take to heart. Reuben’s dad says it best when he posits, “There’s no point going through all this crap if you’re not gonna enjoy the ride.” While not the best movie you’ll ever see, “Along Came Polly” is still a ride worth taking.

“Torque”
by Jesse Stanchak
Features Editor

“Torque” is a sub-par motorcycle B-movie, pure and simple. Fast, loud and relentlessly dumb, “Torque” substitutes style for substance at every hairpin turn, cramming flashy nonsense, mediocre motorcycle stunts and tired clich?s down your throat with extreme gusto. But you won’t be bored because, if nothing else, the seizure-inducing computer-generated imagery will keep you awake through all 81 minutes of the movie. Hey, if shiny objects are your idea of a good time, “Torque” might even be a safe bet.

“Torque” tells the story of Cary Ford (Martin Henderson), your standard motorcycle-riding rogue with a heart of gold, framed for an astoundingly long list of crimes he didn’t commit. After laying low in Thailand for the last six months, Ford returns to Los Angeles to “set things right,” as he puts it. This means evading Henry (Matt Schulze), from whom Ford stole drugs; avoiding the Feds, who are after him for having said drugs; and making amends with his girlfriend, who’s being investigated as a possible accessory to those drug charges – all while dodging Trey (Ice Cube), who blames his brother’s murder on Ford after Henry sets Ford up to get him back for the whole drug thing.

Confused? So was most of the audience. That’s the problem here. The people who can follow the convoluted plot will be mildly nauseated by how senseless it is, and the ones who might enjoy this contrived mess are still four sentences back, re-reading my summary for the third time and scratching their heads in a vain attempt to make some sense of it all. And the pity is, it’s really not worth it. By the end, everything is happening so fast that you won’t really care who lives and who dies. In one or two instances, you might not even be sure which list a character ends up on.

Commenting on the acting seems like a moot point. If there’s a good way to deliver lines like these, I don’t know it. I felt vaguely sorry for the cast members, who all try so hard to pump life into this script. It doesn’t matter, though; the real attraction here are the stunts, which include a chase scene in which a character rides “the world’s fastest bike” at top speed through oncoming traffic, a chase through the interior of a moving train and a freeway pileup in which a Hummer lands on top of a Ferrari. Each scene is so poorly done, so obviously fake, that it ruins any chance of viewers getting caught up in the action.