Over Christmas break Pat Robertson once again set a new standard for idiocy when claiming that God had revealed to him the outcome of the upcoming presidential election. Apparently, our Almighty Creator decided to take a break from controlling the universe and come down and talk politics with everybody’s best friend Pat Robertson. Any ideas as to whom he said was going to win? That’s right, George W. Bush by a blowout. So pack your bags, Democrats; Pat, um, I mean, God, has spoken.
But I, myself, was not entirely convinced. It seems that predicting an election almost a year in advance would be a little boring for God. After all, this is the deity that brought us the creation of the universe, the parting of the Red Sea and other pretty impressive acts.
So I called Pat and asked about his conversation with God. After a few hours and several donations to the 700 Club, I finally got the truth: God hadn’t revealed a blowout for Dubya. In fact, to keep things interesting, God decided to give three different possibilities for the upcoming election. So here it is, from God, to Pat, to me, to you, the three possible scenarios for the 2004 presidential race.
Scenario 1: Howard Dean loses the Democratic nomination when, in an unfortunate stroke of luck, “Final Fantasy XI” is released in mid-January, confining Dean’s core base to its homes for the next three months. With Dean out, Democrats gather their senses and nominate Wesley Clark for president.
Knowing no other election strategy, the Bush campaign runs on national security. General Clark’s campaign slogan, “I’m a f–ing four-star general, you dumbass,” resonates well with the electorate. In the third and final presidential debate, President Bush dissolves into tears.
After a very close but ultimately futile attempt by Karl Rove to take over the free world, President Bush loses the general election by a margin of 53-47. General Clark makes great strides for the Democratic Party by picking up the Southern states of Tennessee, Florida and Louisiana. And in the most interesting story of the election, Texas overwhelmingly votes Democratic due to what political analysts dub “the James Gilbreath factor.”
Scenario 2: Howard Dean picks up the Democratic nomination and promptly chooses himself as his running mate. Hillary Clinton suffers permanent psychological damage after being kidnapped and drugged by the Democratic Leadership Council in an attempt to force her to accept the nomination. Howard Dean moves his headquarters to the Democratic National Committee and replaces the 150-person staff with friends from his home state. Suffering from the 25 percent drop in state population, the Vermont economy subsequently collapses.
During election season, Dean’s campaign funds dry up after an unfortunate increase in the cost of marijuana, leaving Dean supporters with a difficult, but ultimately obvious, choice. After trying all of the world’s major religions, Dean finally decides he is a Southern Baptist. In the third presidential debate, Dean punches Jim Lehr.
The general election is a disaster for the Democrats. Dean loses the general election 57-43, pulling many congressional Democrats down with him. And, despite wearing a confederate flag T-shirt for two weeks straight, Dean fails to carry a single Southern state. James Gilbreath campaigns for Howard Dean in Texas and is promptly shot.
Scenario 3: Howard Dean gets the nomination and picks General Clark as his running mate. After adjusting to their new testicles, Democrats eventually rally around Dean. All the presidential candidates fully support Dean except Joe Lieberman, who finally comes to terms with the fact that he’s a Republican.
President Bush refuses to show up to the presidential debates and instead courts local news sources in order to bypass the “filter of Jim Lehr.” However, after a grilling from a high school newspaper reporter, President Bush stops all interviews and instead concentrates on buying the election.
The general election is the largest upset in U.S. history. On top of picking up 15 congressional seats and three Senate seats for the Democrats, Dean wins the popular vote 52-48. In addition, Dean picks up the Southern states of Tennessee, North Carolina, Florida and Texas. Upset over the results, Alabama secedes from the union. Texans, led by James Gilbreath, promptly invade the state.
So there you have it. The election is going to result in one of those three situations, and I think God just threw in the second scenario to make Pat Robertson feel like he had a purpose on this planet. Seriously, though, President Bush is beatable, and all those who care about a better America for all should campaign for whoever the Democratic nominee is. It’s nothing personal Mr. President. It’s just that we miss you at home and think it’s time you come back to Texas.
-The writer, a sophomore majoring in international affairs, is a Hatchet contributing editor.