Question: I’ve been single for a while now and I’m really starting to get impatient. I don’t like dancing, however, and I never really feel comfortable in bars or at large parties. Are there any other really good ways to meet women in D.C.?

Chick: As a girl who never fails to compliment someone’s cute puppy, I can tell you that all you have to do is purchase a pooch (something classic and small enough to fit in an apartment, like a Jack Russell terrier) and continually take your dog for walks all over campus and through Georgetown. Not only will you and your dog get in amazing shape, but if you and Sparky look friendly enough, girls will stop to coo over your new best friend and, thus, give you a good opportunity to ask if they would like to see you (and your dog) again. Good luck!

Dick: I hear there are some friendly ladies on the corner of 14th and K streets who you don’t even have to talk to before they will give you some good loving – it will just cost you a few Jacksons. If you think meeting people is too difficult, then buying sex is a good option – or stick with masturbation. I have found that there are two good ways to meet women in D.C. The first is to put on a suit and some fancy-looking ID badges. Then you head down to a bar or coffee shop by the Capitol and act like you know everything. The other option is to get really drunk and go stand outside Thurston and act like a wolf. Going for a girl in the middle of a big group is nearly impossible, and going for one with a couple of guards is equally tough, so the best bet is the lone girl or one lagging behind the group. Make her think you care about what she is talking about and you’ll be sure to be lucky – and all this happens without stepping into a bar or having to dance.