When I sat down in high school to choose a college, I was sure to take into account that I really just do not like myself very much. Sure, choosing the perfect place to attend college may not be the perfect solution to this self-image problem of mine, but after reviewing all of the other possible options, it seemed like the best one.
What I decided to do to boost my self-esteem and gain a new image was attend The George Washington University, the school that most enables you to find a new identity. You see, while looking for colleges I took a lot into consideration. What made me consider GW, though, was this University’s liberal use of Social Security numbers for student identification, an identity thief’s dream. Whether it is through bank statements or Social Security numbers, GW is a haven for a person like me looking for a new self-image. In fact, all you have got to do to steal someone’s identity at this school is sneak a peek at your fellow classmate’s test booklet during class, look in the right dumpster or find a storage closet in the right residence hall that is chock full of personal identity information.
Back in the day, before The Hatchet started discovering the “identity hot-spots,” stealing the identities of students and administrators was a cakewalk. I can remember how pissed I was two years ago when The Hatchet discovered my favorite dumpster outside of Francis Scott Key Hall and did a story on it. That dumpster contained the personal records of 250 students, records from which provided me with hours of fun. And then this year The Hatchet discovered my other favorite hot-spot on campus, the storage room in New Hall with documents containing the names and Social Security numbers of many students. I really wish those bastards at The Hatchet would just leave my identities and me alone.
I cannot get too mad at The Hatchet, though, because, if history proves any indication of the future, I am sure GW will continue to be careless with students’ personal information. Actually, as long as GW continues to use Social Security numbers as the primary identification code for its students, I am sure I will not have a problem becoming every single person that is reading this column.
Until I find the next identity hot-spot on campus, though, I guess I will just have to be content being Graham N. Murphy. He seems to be living a better life than I did when I was just me. At least he has good credit.