Battle of the Sexes

Question: I can’t hook up with someone unless I’ve been drinking that evening. I’m not always drunk – sometimes just tipsy – but I need alcohol, otherwise I’m too nervous and shy. Is that bad?

-Needs to loosen up

Chick: The saying goes that if you can’t do something sober that you can do drunk, then you just aren’t ready. I don’t know whether you just drink on weekends or during the week, too, or whether you drink alone, but I can safely say that it isn’t a good sign if you can only hook up with someone after you’ve been drinking. Sure, maybe the first few times it can help, but alcohol is just like a little kid’s blankie – eventually you need to shed it. You certainly don’t want to convince yourself that alcohol is the only way for you to be intimate with someone, or you could become dependent on it – even when you’re just fooling around with, say, a long-term boyfriend. If you’re not comfortable yet around guys, though, take things slower than normal when you do hook up, because your need for alcohol could become a bad thing if you’re not careful.

Dick: Well, unless being an alcoholic is bad, there is nothing wrong with your situation. I’m just going to assume that you are a girl, because we all know a guy could muster the courage to hook up sober or drunk, or even asleep. The best thing to keep you relaxed (besides alcohol) is semen. I conducted a very scientific study and found that the only thing that relaxes girls more than Prozac is a little penis. I know guys can testify that having a dick always calms them down and makes them rational people who never overreact about their feelings or make small issues larger than life, like when guys don’t call the next day.

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