Question: I’ve always heard that the old saying “Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear” is completely untrue. But my friend swears that every time he drinks hard alcohol after a kegger, he gets sick. What are your thoughts on the matter?

Chick: While I’m not such a fan of beer and avoid it whenever I can, I can tell you that mixing alcohol is bad. Your body needs time to recognize and metabolize different types of alcohol, so whether you down your Bud Lite before or after some tequila shots, you can get a hangover, regardless. It also depends on what you’re drinking – carbonated drinks, drinks made from dark liquors and cheap liquor can all make you sick, as well. So if you’re feeling experimental and you’re planning on drinking that night anyway, you could try beer before liquor and see how you feel. But I really don’t think that saying has much truth in it; alcohol affects everyone differently (compare, for instance, the “depressed drunk” to the “horny drunk”). Better to exercise some caution when you drink, but find some good hangover remedies first – just in case.

Dick: Your friend is a whiny little bitch who can’t hold his alcohol. If you drink like a little girl, then it really doesn’t matter what you drink. The best way to guarantee that things will work out well for you is to mix them together. Nothing spells a good night like a few Irish car bombs – a shot of whiskey and Bailey’s dropped into a pint of Guiness – now that is how liquor and beer should be drank. My philosophy is that drinking is like girls: yeah, there is an order you are supposed to follow if you are a morally sound and smart person. But, first off, what fun is that? And secondly, are you really going to pass up sex on the beach because you had a beer?

Question: Do guys think girls drinking Guiness is hot? My one guy friend said that he is always impressed by a girl who can drink Guiness, but another friend said that he would be embarrassed if a girl was able to drink him under a table. Does my ability to down car bombs make me less sexy? Or does it make me one of the guys?

Chick: It depends how you act once you down those car bombs. If you’re one of those hideously obnoxious drunks who screech and think everything is hil-ar-ious, then that makes you less sexy. But if you hold your liquor well, I’ve been told that girls who drink beer and, more importantly, like it, are a turn-on compared to the ones who sip sugary drinks or wrinkle their noses at the prospect of a Guiness. So if you like it, drink it. Why would you want to be with a guy who is intimidated by you (and your drinking powers), anyway?

Dick: Well, being “one of the guys” should not evoke huge sex appeal, unless your friend is gay. From my extensive research, I have come to realize that girls who drink me under the table tend to get past my personality faster and therefore one step closer to making a lifelong and meaningful connection with me, or at least to helping me get my rocks off. The friend who would be embarrassed by being drunk under the table has it all wrong. As long as both he and the girl are below the table, good things are much more likely to happen. As for you, if you both are downing car bombs, then you will definitely be more sexy, for car bombs don’t provide beer goggles – they are more like liquid paper bags, concealing any problems entirely. Some girls say Guiness tastes bitter, is too thick and can have too much head. I say girls who like Guiness are cool because they like head and bitter-tasting, thick liquids.