Baseball’s postseason is apocalypse now

The Red Sox will play the Cubs in the World Series. America will ask permission from the U.N. to annex France. Eminem will come out of the closet.

Which one is least likely to occur?

Any other year, I’d pick the first option.

“Crazy” is one word to describe the 2003 Major League Baseball season. Corked bats, a 10-team wild card race and even an infamous sausage race, not to mention formerly no-name guys like Esteban Loiaza and Bill Mueller taking the league by storm.

The field is wide open, making it impossible to predict what will happen, so I won’t pretend to have any insight on who will beat whom. Instead, here are some possible intriguing match-ups:

Red Sox-Cubs World Series: Pigs flyin’

Growing up outside Boston, I’ve imagined my team meeting the Cubs in the “losers’ fans finally give up” series. For the first time in 85 years, the Red Sox would have a psychological advantage over somebody.

Everything in the world of a Cubs or Red Sox fan is based on “what if’s.” What if the pitching was stronger, hitting better, bullpen intact? What if these two met? I have no clue what would happen, but it is impossible to imagine a stranger situation. The only logical sequence of events would include a 22-inning Game Seven and then the end of the world.

Yankees-Red Sox ALCS: Blood lust

Here’s the one GW is begging for. In my world, every student here is from New York or Boston. If the Bo Sox meet the Yanks, I propose drawing a dividing chalk line in the middle of H Street – Red Sox fans on one side, Yankees fans on the other. I call Boston gets the side with Subway and Big Burger.

Regardless of who would win, this series would be bound to end in heartbreak.

If the Yankees win, Red Sox fans will claim the Yankees buy championships and get all the umpires’ calls. Then Sox fans will not be able to sleep soundly for a few months before they resume wearing “Yankees Suck” T-shirts by December.

Nothing provides more ammo for New York fans than “Yankees Suck” T-shirts. The Yanks do not suck. They are consistently winners and beat my team every year. That is why I hate them so much. Sox fans, show creativity and borrow my shirt that reads, “Take your 26 rings and shove ’em up your ass.”

But I digress.

If the Red Sox take it, Yankee fans will be inundated with phone calls, e-mails, text messages and instant messages from all their friends from Boston. But after a few weeks of deep depression, Yankee fans will smile, realizing that in the past 85 years their team has 26 more championships than the Red Sox.

Giants-A’s World Series: Wicked Bay

The last time these two teams met in the Fall Classic, an earthquake rocked Candlestick Park. Sports Illustrated said Rickey Henderson was on the clubhouse toilet when the big one hit. Let’s hope Barry Bonds isn’t in a bathroom stall if another quake hits. We wouldn’t want that juiced needle to get stuck somewhere other than his right butt cheek.

All joking aside, though, there is a high probability that Bonds will provide a few earth-shattering moments of his own if he plays in the World Series against anybody. The A’s pitching staff is an interesting nemesis for Bonds. Right-hander Tim Hudson and crafty lefties Barry Zito and Ted Lilly could shut down bionic Bonds, or at least shut down the rest of the Giants’ lineup and minimize the Bonds threat.

Twins-Marlins World Series: Mmm … Twinkies and fish

Executives at Fox television refuse to talk about this possibility. Those who worry about ratings don’t give a damn about sports. If the games are good, people will watch, and this match-up would provide competitive, relatively low-scoring games, not fireworks displays.

Florida and Minnesota are two young, scrappy teams that will steal, bunt and pitch their way to wins. Watch Marlins’ hurler Dontrelle Willis for the simple reason that he is the same age as most college sophomores. He should be taking baby chem, not trying to strike out Barry Bonds.

Braves vs. anyone: Close doesn’t count

The Braves might win a playoff series or two, but they probably will not win the whole thing. Bobby Cox is one of the best, but his team just doesn’t find a way to win in October.

In the Braves’ defense, they are not the Buffalo Bills. See, the Braves actually won a World Series back in 1995, so they should not be considered the most disappointing team of all time, just one of the most disappointing.

It is impossible to say if these match-ups will actually occur. But whatever happens is bound to be interesting. So pray for your team, because you’ve all got a shot at the Promised Land this year.

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