A few days ago I found myself thumbing through my porn collection thinking, “Is this really what I want in my life?” Sure, watching two semi-attractive strangers make the beast with two backs is more romantic than staring at a white wall for the rest of your life, but isn’t there something more to life? I felt empty inside. I knew there had to be something out there for me. Then I remembered, isn’t there something called love?
Yes, love! I heard it screamed in a movie once between over-exaggerated moans, but I never actually thought it was for me. Perhaps it was, though. Perhaps it was time to pop a Prozac, get a medically enhanced self-esteem and search for this Holy Grail called LOVE! First though, I’d have to find the perfect outfit.
Like any self-respecting gay man in search of love I knew right where to start – Ikea. If I was going to find love, or a wealthy man, I knew I would have to be prepared with a bridal registry. While searching for the perfect china set at the “I” with sales associate Sven, I still felt empty inside. I suddenly realized that love is not just about Swedish throw-rugs and matching end tables. With Sven by my side, I knew in my heart that there simply had to be something more to love than Ikea. Finding this something would take some effort. It would have to take a healthy dose of reality TV.
Flipping through my TV Guide, I was desperate for some answers about love. First my TV Guide referred me to that lovable gay Brit Simon Cowell’s new show Cupid. (Oh please, like you didn’t know he was gay. Do you really think a straight guy can be that witty?) After realizing that Simon wasn’t going to be dressed in a diaper with wings and a bow and arrow, I quickly gave up on Cupid. All was not lost, though. There was still For Love or Money 2 and Will You Marry My Dad? to turn to for answers. Unfortunately all they helped me find out was that money is better than love (which incidentally I didn’t need a second season of this dreck to tell me) and single old dads come with really cute stepsons. With my hope for love diminishing, I began flipping through channels furiously. And then mid-flip I found him, Mr. Live From The Headlines. I found love! I found CNN’s very own Anderson Cooper.
From the moment I saw Andy we started dating (in my head). He was the perfect catch: smart, fashionable, funny, the son of a Vanderbilt. I just knew me and my Coopie-poo would be in love forever. That is until the bastard dropped a bombshell on our relationship. Andy told me on the air, (can you believe this?), that no matter how much we loved each other, he and I could never be married. According to Cooper, straights have a corner on the marriage market and will be damned if any of us gays were going to be allowed to get in on the action. Well suffice it to say I could not believe what I was hearing. After all my people had given breeders (fashion, taste, culture, Britney Spears), they were going to tell us we couldn’t get married???!!!
Is marriage and love really what gay people want? Sure, marriage means you have the right to visit your dying spouse in the hospital and you can both have legal custody of your child in all 50 states, but is that really important? I mean, look at what straight people have done with marriage. Because of the way they have handled marriage in the past few thousand years it has become a laughable institution. Hell, half the people that get married decide after three years that it sucks. That king in England even ended up decapitating his wives’ heads to get out of it. It seems that the only people that really like it are whack jobs like Jerry Falwell. Well gee, if they want it so badly let them keep the damn thing.
No, I think what gays want is something different than marriage. Something like, well, Civil Unions. While Queer Eye for the Straight Guy may be able to clean up the world one straight guy at a time, marriage has simply suffered damage for too long to be rescued by a Fab 5 make-better. Nope. I’m certainly not going to waste my time on that reality TV affair. So while they have their God-fearing marriage, divorce court and Fox News Channel, I’ll stick to my Civil Union and CNN.
So Andy, baby, buck-up and fear not! Next stop Vermont and then Ikea. Ain’t love grand?
-The writer, a junior majoring in human services, is a Hatchet columnist.