Q. My boyfriend and I weren’t able to see much of each other this summer because we live on opposite sides of the country. Most of his friends weren’t around this summer either, and he ended up hanging out a lot with this girl he had kind of dated last summer – before we were together. I know this because he’s told me and been very open about the times they have hung out, and I trust him that nothing more is going on. However, it drives me insane to think that this other girl might have feelings for him, and I feel sick every time I hear about her. I don’t want to tell him not to be friends with her anymore and I hate feeling this jealous, but I don’t know what else to do! If it’s not her, it will probably be some other pretty girl he’s friends with at school that ill drive me equally insane. Am I justified for feeling this way?
Chick: I don’t know if “justified” is the right word, but you are certainly normal! Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do to overcome jealousy other than to realize that you can’t control this other girl’s feelings for your boyfriend. Try being as open and honest with your boyfriend and tell him that you would prefer not to hear about her anymore. As for banning him from having any friends of the opposite sex, not only would it qualify your relationship as unhealthy, but you as scarily controlling (green-eyed monsters are never attractive). Hopefully, as time goes by and you feel more and more comfortable in your relationship and about yourself this jealousy will ease up. Otherwise, try releasing your anger by writing in a journal, buying a voodoo doll, confiding in a friend … whatever works best for you.
Dick: It’s nice that you weren’t jealous about him hooking up with this girl all summer, and if you really think they weren’t, you are slower than evolution. The other girl clearly does have feelings for him if they have been together before and she still hangs out with him. This isn’t rocket science, they hooked up before, they hang out now, clearly there is more than conversation. The only way that you could be justified for feeling this way is the fact that you are female, and you are always jealous about something. I’m just very surprised that you are not overreacting to the entire situation before you even see him. The overreaction will probably come soon enough though.
Q. I recently met my best friend’s new girlfriend, and it turns out to be this girl I slept with during a drunken hook-up last fall. I still think she’s hot, but I would never do anything with her because she’s obviously taken. However, my friend has no idea that we ever hooked up and so it’s sometimes awkward when we all three hang out. Do I just keep my mouth shut?
Chick: However awkward it might be now, telling your friend that you had sex with his girlfriend (even though it was before they ever got together) will make things ten times worse. Sometimes honesty just isn’t worth it when it does more harm than good. It would just freak your friend out, embarrass his girl and make you feel worse. If you think this girl remembers your hook-up as well as you do, you might want to pull her aside one day and ease the tension by assuring her that the past is behind you two and strictly between you two – as in, no one else will ever know. And then be a gentleman and keep that promise.
Dick: Besides the awkwardness of having him in the dark, you must realize that as soon as they have a fight she is going to show up at your place drunk and you two are going to go at it like high schoolers on E. Then your friend will be mad and she will hate you for ruining any chance she had at getting back together with him. But if you tell him now he will be annoyed you didn’t say anything earlier. My advice is this: start making new friends because this is unlikely to work out well, unless you have a craving for a threesome with another guy. Your best bet is to come clean, he won’t be mad at you, just her, but what do you care. That way if you do hook up with her, then you can say, “Whoops, it was bound to happen again, my bad.”