Title IX repealed, women ousted

After 30 years of butch girls vainly attempting to play sports, young women at universities throughout the nation are finally headed back to the kitchen.

Concluding a year of debate over what to do with Title IX, a presidential committee decided yesterday to revoke the law entirely. This removes all obligations from universities to give women equal opportunities in athletics and has already set off a wave of women’s athletic program cuts.

“For too long, men’s sports programs have had to sacrifice well-deserved luxuries for inferior athletes, also known as females,” President George W. Bush said after the decision. “No longer will we force these fine potential homemakers away from their stoves to waste everyone’s time on fields built for men.”

Bush added that the decision is consistent with his “compassionate conservatism” agenda, noting with a chuckle, “Compassionate with men, conservative with women.”

Taking back funding given to women’s sports by Title IX, many men’s college sports programs already have plans in the works to bring back traditional staples of quality athletic programs such as prostitutes and BMWs for recruits, along with professional academic plagiarizers for “student-athletes with special study needs.”

GW was one of hundreds of universities to cut all women’s athletic teams within hours of the decision, and Athletic Director Jack Nopantz said the repeal of Title IX will revitalize the school’s men’s teams.

“Quite frankly, most of our female athletes were ugly, uncoordinated and generally useless,” he said. “With less of these she-men running around here, the school will have more room to accept hotter, sluttier girls for our hard-working male athletes.”

To make up for the loss of female extracurricular activities caused by the decision, GW will introduce a new Home Economics major next semester, as well as the GW Baking Club, the Colonials’ Sewing Society and expanded cheerleading and dance programs.

While the school cannot legally force female students to perform sexual favors to male athletes, Nopantz said such activity would be strongly encouraged.

“These girls need something to keep them busy now,” he said. “Regular sexual favors will keep them in shape, give them their protein and give them new opportunities to contribute to GW’s athletic programs.”

Some, however, were not as supportive of the repeal, chiefly women’s rights leaders such as noted sandy vagina Martha Burk. Known for her recent opposition to golf’s Masters tournament, Burk reportedly punched through a brick wall when told of the decision.

“We will fight this all the way, even if that means taking it to the streets,” she said, noting the extensive experience of her chief henchman, Lorena Bobbit. “We are on a crusade for ugly girls and lesbians everywhere, and we will prevail.”

President Bush argued that the opposition of women’s rights activists only shows their need to get laid and that people like them demonstrate the negative effects of misguided women’s rights laws such as Title IX.

“We will not be diverted by these ladies’ strategery,” he said from the Oval Office. “The bottom line is that this will help all Americans by allowing women to do what they are best at while giving men the favoritism they deserve from our government. Basically what I’m saying is, don’t mess with Texas.”

The Hatchet has disabled comments on our website. Learn more.