The world is a crazy place. Most people are depressed, there is a war raging 24 hours a day live on TV, the economy is in the tank and school is fucking stressing you out.

The tension is building, you can feel your heartbeat in your fingertips and you can’t stop the pounding on the left side of your brain. That damn foreign TA just failed you but you never knew what the fuck he was talking about in the first place, you have no idea where you are going to live next year, you’re one page into a twelve-page essay and ran out of anything to write about and the Princeton Review says GW students are among the least happy in the country. There must be an end to this downright depressing situation. How could you possibly ever relax?

The GW BongHit has the answer.

There are only a few things in the world that can truly relax you now. One of them is sex, buts let’s face it, you go to GW and are probably too ugly to get laid. So we can only offer one suggestion. Follow our directions carefully for serious relaxation, and hurry, time is of the essence.

Go get a bong, bypass the six-inchers, your kind of situation calls for the four-footer. Now go to your shady neighbor and get some weed (watch out for stems, sticks and seeds and tell him you’re cool and don’t want any crack). Run back to your room, and plug the door behind you with a towel. Proceed to pack the green goodness into the bowl. You’re close now, probably only seconds from mellowness, don’t flip out, keep your hands steady.

Now take your lighter, ease it to the bowl and light that shit, inhale until the white smoke turns yellow in the bong, ease out the bowl and take one last breath … wait … wait … wait … now exhale.

Ahhhhh. Doesn’t that feel good? That feeling of contention is drug induced, but its OK man, you’re high. Forget about that paper, throw on Zoolander, grab the Funyans and float away to orange frappuccino land.