Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

AN INDEPENDENT STUDENT NEWSPAPER SERVING THE GW COMMUNITY SINCE 1904

The GW Hatchet

Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

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Oh, the places you’ll go

Bill and Louisa’s Bait, Tackle and Syringe Emporium had fallen on hard times. However, things have changed since the Amalgamated Union of Reefers and Republicans recently endorsed marijuana as the nation’s premier gateway drug.

“We’ve got the cleanest needles in town and darn good prices, too,” said Bill, as he wrapped an oversized rubber band around his upper arm. Bill and his wife Louisa have managed and owned the shop since the early 1980s.

“I can remember when D.C. was the leading crack town in all of the eastern seaboard,” Louisa said as she slapped Bill’s arms, begging his collapsed veins to the surface of his skin.

“Got one,” she yelled as she lovingly sunk a heroin-laden syringe into her husband’s arm. “We had lots of friends back then, what happened to them all, Bill?”

“Their drug-pumped corpses were found underneath the highway,” he responded. “Remember, Louisa?”

“Can’t say that I do,” she said.

In addition to increasing the sale of hash, weed and the occasional mushroom in cities across the nation, the AURR has made it its mission to support small mom-and-pop places with the resurgence of harder drug use.

“Gateway drugs are the new wave of the future,” said White House Press Secretary Arty Flusher, passing a bowl to Vice President Dick Cha-nay-nay. “But we want people to realize that there is more to that future. You can’t expect help from us. As a people, you have to be progressive.”

The message of the AURR is clear: in this time of desperation, Americans cannot content themselves with the occasional bong hit. They must search out better, harder alternatives and work together to make this a reality.

“Potheads are lazy,” Flusher said. “Crackheads will kill people.”

“I remember that our pipe sales went up nearly 43 percent during the first Gulf War,” Bill said as he lightly nudged his wife’s unconscious, floor-bound body.

“I’m fixin’ to get laid soon,” he said with a wink and one hand down his pants.

Aside from boosting local revenue, the AURR has also made it its goal to reach out to the nation’s youth. Freebase clinics have been erected at various colleges and universities around D.C.

“In this time of national outrage, our aim is to create a docile and unthinking student population,” Flusher said.

University President Slimy Jed Tracksinass said he has warned government officials that their advances were unnecessary for the GW campus.

“We’ve been promoting drug use for years,” he said, quietly urging this writer to pass the pipe. “Colonial Inauguration’s nothing but a crack-induced wet dream. No-one spends that much money on balloons … that aren’t laden with coke.”

Student reactions to the AURR’s proclamation have been mixed. “GW kids are our vision of the new youth,” said Flusher. “They’ve obviously got the money to support serious drug habits. Have you seen the shit these rich kids wear?”

Many students already have a leg up on the AURR. Sophomore Clever Spartan, for example, has been doing hard drugs for years. As he explained, “Pot? Fuck that shit. I left it behind with my kiddie credit card. This is GW, cocaine’s the only gateway drug.”

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