After two years of scandal-free losing, the GW men’s basketball team is back in trouble with the law. As part of the government’s campaign against terror, the U.S. Department of Homecourt Security issued a new terror alert yesterday for head basketball coach Karl Sobbs.
Homecourt Security Director Tom Fridge made the announcement, citing Sobbs’ incessant rage toward referees, players, scorer’s tables and other inanimate objects over the past two seasons.
“While we have no reason to take legal action against Mr. Sobbs, we do feel the need to protect the public from his conniptions by putting referees, players, women and children on alert,” Fridge said. “I don’t know what the deal is with his foot-stomping, but all we can do is remain vigilant.”
The Sobbs Terror Alert Scale features five color-coded levels of alert, depending on the degree of the coach’s insanity at the moment. After GW’s season-ending loss to Xavier a few weeks ago, Fridge said the terror alert will start immediately at a code orange, or “high.”
When told of the government’s decision, an enraged Sobbs began stomping his feet on top of his desk and chewing through the bookshelf in his office. After University Police officers subdued him with horse tranquilizer, he made this statement to the media:
“A terror what? I don’t know who the hell comes up with these, uh, colors and codes or what not, but this is some fucking bullshit. And who the fuck is Tom Fridge?”
He then walked across the street to the Smith Center and made his team run 5,000 suicide sprints, one for every GW loss in the last four years, out of outrage for the terror alert.
“This government is a bunch of walleyhoogerin, bufferoonigan jabbyhosers,” Sobbs said. “I’m tired of this babbapoolery.”
Sobbs declined to specify the meaning of anything he said.