Muff diver arrested in University sex sting

In a pre-dawn raid Saturday morning, Useless Pretender officers arrested freshman Simon Limpdick, the notorious Thrustin Hall carpet muncher.

UPD Chief Walrus Staffwhore said Limpdick will be charged with sexual impropriety and conspiracy to commit further acts of sexual pleasure.

Limpdick is the first student to be prosecuted under the new Consensual Fornicating Act, which seeks to eliminate sexual intercourse from GW residence halls.

“We had to make an example out of someone,” Staffwhore said. “This student licked pussy like it was his job. It just had to stop.”

Faced with dismal grades and an increasingly horny student population, administrators have implemented a series of measures to combat sexual intercourse on the GW campus.

“Students can’t just ‘tap that ass’ and expect to keep up with their studies,” University President Smokin Jointswithyour Tuitionmoney said. “Now pass that blunt before I fall asleep again.”

The new law would have drawn vociferous protest from the student body if anybody had a fucking clue about what goes on at GW. Several student groups supported the new legislation, including the College HitlerYouthRepublicans.

“If my ugly-ass girlfriend isn’t putting out, no one should be getting any,” said CH chair Receding Hairline.

In the days preceding Limpdick’s arrest, UPD officers interviewed more than 150 female students on the fifth, sixth and seventh floors of Thrustin Hall and compiled a report of sexual acts committed by the assailant.

On March 9, Limpdick went muff diving in the jungle of freshman Gloria Nachocheese, according to a UPD fornicating report.

Nachocheese said it took her 57 minutes to climax, adding, “I never even saw his face the whole time he was down there. He didn’t stop even after I told him I had a yeast infection.”

Since January, Limpdick has orally pleased 100 Thrustin Hall female residents in an attempt to satisfy his voracious appetite for tuna. In the first week of March alone, the assailant tongue-fucked 20 female students, including freshman Jenny Fuzzburger.

“We were studying biology one night and he asked me if I knew where my clitoris was,” Fuzzburger said. “When I pointed to my elbow he just laughed and began to bury his head in my crotch. After he was done, four hours later, he slipped his tongue into my mouth, which was really gross.”

Upon searching Limpdick’s room, UPD officers found a “treasure trove of pornographic magazines.”

“We tried to go through the magazines … you know, for evidence, but we couldn’t,” said UPD officer Headup Hisass. “There was just too much semen in there, the pages were all stuck together and we couldn’t get them open.”

Staffwhore said UPD officers patrolling hallways will be “vigilant” in pursuing fornicators and will be listening for loud moaning noises coming from students’ rooms. She said officers would also be looking for students with cream-colored stains on their pants.

Responding to whether UPD officers would be posing as students in order to solicit sex, Staffwhore said, “Our officers are so fucking ugly – I wouldn’t fuck them with your dick, let alone mine.”

She also said students who privately engage in sexual intercourse will face serious repercussions.

Under the new law, first-time fornicators will be evicted from their residence halls and relocated to the Moldy Vagina Campus, where everyone’s busted and no one ever gets laid. GW will also send a letter home to students’ parents describing in detail their illicit acts. Second-time offenders will be placed in isolated jail cells in the basement of the Elliott School building and will be forced to read the new GW Patronize. Students found guilty of a third violation will be castrated and expelled from school.

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