Instead of eliminating the tradition of Midnight Madness all together as planned earlier this year, the Athletic Department has decided to move the rally to the Delt House and replace all basketball-related events with “acts of spirited debauchery,” Athletic Director Jack Nopantz said yesterday.
University officials had originally planned to scrap the event because of the mass exodus that has consistently occurred at first sight of the GW basketball teams in years past. But Nopantz said he thought fans deserved a good time after suffering through season after season of disappointment, so he decided to turn the rally into a frat party.
“I’ve become resigned to the fact that students at GW don’t care about sports,” he said. “So we’ve designed an event that will bring students closer to their teams in a more college-friendly environment.”
Nopantz said the new rally will start at 4:20 p.m. on April 20. To enhance the school spirit of those in attendance, the cheerleaders and dance team, otherwise known as “The First Hoes,” will strip naked and perform lap dances on the most spirited students.
“This will be great,” First Hoe Slutty McSkank said. “We can’t be nearly as slutty as we want to be with those restrictive uniforms. Now we’ll get much more ass.”
Instead of the glowsticks and pom-poms normally handed out at the door, Nopantz said each student will now receive a complimentary beer in a Colonials beer stein. The first 1,000 in attendance will also be treated to one joint, freshly rolled in buff and blue papers.
The event will kick off with head basketball coaches Karl Sobbs and Bo McSpewin leading the crowd in a keg stand contest, an act which Nopantz said will help foster relations between the teams and their fans.
“I love alcohol,” McSpewin said, with Sobbs adding that a keg was the only remedy for a tough loss.
“Well, that, a phatty J and some sluts,” he said.
While there will be none of the reviled outside acts of years past, students will be entertained by taking bong hits with the GW Hippo and playing beer pong against the formidable tandem of Big George and Little George.
Students seemed overwhelmingly in favor of the new structure of the event.
“Naked bitches, more beer and less GW basketball,” junior Stoner LaGanja said. “Can’t go wrong there.”
Players, who previously had to go through pointless drills in front of three people, will now have the whole night to get their game on.
When told of the newly structured event, sophomore guard J.T. “Ronnie” Tucker said, “I only play basketball to fuck bitches. Now I don’t even have to bother with my jump shot.”