How was your weekend?

Liquor Law Violation – 4/20 – Stoner’s Hall
A University Punkass officer responding to a noise violation found several students passed out on the floor of a room. Also in the room were several hundred hypodermic needles, 500 large transparent bags with a “white, powdery substance” and several scales. One of the conscious residents in the room told the officer that he had diabetes, adding that the powder was his insulin.

Destruction of Property – 4/20 – Mengele Center
A UPD officer observed 10 students throwing bricks through the glass facade of the Mengele Center’s main dining hall. The students said they were protesting lack of food variety on the GW campus. “Every day it’s just pizza, hamburgers, wraps, Chinese food and pasta,” freshman Whiny Bitch said. “Now I know how those people in Somalia feel.” UPD was afraid of approaching the belligerent students and called the Real Police Department to break up the protest.

Fraud – 4/20 – Got Wood House
MPD charged UPD officers with impersonating real police officers that have the actual authority to do something.

Indecent Exposure – 4/20 – public space
UPD officers patrolling G street observed University President Smokin Jointswithyour Tuitionmoney urinating on his leg in front of Stuart Hall. Upon seeing the officers, Tuitionmoney told them to get out of his private bathroom, and mentioned something about his college days at Columbia and Yale. Officers escorted him back to his sanitarium in Pork Fried Rice Hall.

Drug Law Violation – 4/20 – Strap-On Hall
Four BongHit editors and a blond accomplice were found smoking copious amounts of ganja in a darkroom. Even though they were all incredibly stoned out of their minds, one attention-loving and obnoxious editor said he was the only one that smoked the fatty blunts … and they actually believed them.

Prostitution – 4/20 – Pork Fried Rice Hall
Bald and Needs a Wig, assistant douche bag of nonexistent relations, was arrested by MPD and charged with being the University’s whore.

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