GW to open Baghdad campus; renames students

GW will implement a two-pronged approach to solving next year’s housing crunch. The University will add a GW Baghdad campus and rename freshman and sophomores “first year” and “second year” seniors next year get around zoning requirements.

A District of Corruption court ruled in February that GW must provide beds for 70 percent of its undergraduate “students” on campus or outside Foggy Bottom, including all “freshmen” and “sophomores.”

GW is waiting for the U.S. military to complete its takeover of Iraq before it makes the official move to Baghdad, but Tuitionmoney said he already has an idea of where the campus will go.

Tuitionmoney said creating a Baghdad campus during wartime is a perfect opportunity to show the world that “something happens here” at GW.

“Students come to Washington to be in the center of the action,” said Tuitionmomey, who was listening to Outkast’s hit, “Bombs Over Baghdad,” during his interview with The BongHit. “Now that the world’s attention is focused on Iraq, it’s only natural that our students join in on the excitement. And it also follows city rules because the campus is outside Foggy Bottom.”

Located in the center of Baghdad, the campus will consist of two residence halls, a student center and a dining facility. About 600 students will reside there.

To add an extra 200 students to the campus, the University is adding its own Thirstin’ For More Hall 1900th Cavalry. The students will go through intense training before they depart and will be housed in barracks next to the residence halls.

Useless Pretend Chief Dolly Stiff-One said she wished she could send UPD officers to Baghdad, but that would require training the officers.

“Our main security priority is catching underage kids drinking and smoking up,” Stiff-One said. “We can’t waste our forces out in Iraq.”

Checkoutmy PetrieDish, director for security and emergency paranoia, said although the new campus will be in the middle of a war zone, it will most likely remain at a “normal” security level.

“We as a University don’t necessarily follow the United States’ security warnings. Like here in D.C., even when the warning is triple red, we like to stay at normal,” PetrieDish dished out.

The “Really New Dorm” and “Really, Really, Really Ridiculously New Dorm” will have cable televisions and balconies and rooftops to view late-night bombings. The dining hall, which will operate on the new Debit-Points system, will offer Iraqi cuisine in addition to American favorites.

“Students need to be engaged in the culture of Iraq. We have the Asian station at J Avenue. Why not add the Iraqi station?” said M.I.A. Pellet, managing director of biznass services.

Pellet noted that if Aramurky employees are shipped out to the branch campus, they will be compensated for travel costs so they don’t go on strike in the middle of a war zone.

Sonny Day, director of housing disservices, said he believes the Baghdad campus will be a “great” addition to the housing inventory.

“It allows students a diverse option and an educational living environment. I’m excited to offer the option,” Day said. He added that the halls come with parking and bunkers. The University will run daily flights to the Iraqi capital.

The plan will erase the titles “freshman” and sophomore” and designate all students as “seniors.” Traditional freshmen will now be called first-year seniors, sophomores second-year seniors and so on.

Students will also be renamed “shareholders” to get around the 70 percent requirement.

Administrators are calling the ideas “a brilliant way” to trick the city into thinking that GW doesn’t have any “students” or “freshmen and sophomores” who need to be housed on campus.

“Haha, I bet they didn’t see this one coming. When they check to see if we are housing all our freshmen and sophomores I can say, ‘We don’t have any!'” University President Smokin Jointswithyour Tuitionmoney said. “The renaming of students as shareholders also more accurately describes our philosophy at GW.”

Residence Hall Assclowns President Seeme Naked said she doesn’t know how she feels about any of the housing changes because she had no idea there was anything going on or even what a “housing crunch” is.

“Is that like Captain Crunch, the cereal?” Naked asked.

When asked about the changes, students said they didn’t care and that they would be willing to live in Baghdad as long as the dorms have Ethernet connections.

“Dude, as long as I can download porn on Kazaa, I will live anywhere,” first-year senior N.E. Thinggoes said.

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