The GW Athletic Department announced yesterday it is cutting all varsity sports except men’s and women’s basketball, citing a total lack of interest from the student body.
The decision lowers the number of sports offered at GW from 18 to two and gives the basketball teams 100 percent of athletic department funding, up one percent from the 99 percent the teams have had for the last decade.
“We just felt these smaller teams added nothing to the campus community,” Athletic Director Jack Nopantz said. “Honestly, what is women’s water polo anyway?”
With the elimination of sports such as soccer and tennis at GW’s Pot Burnin campus, athletic fields will now be used solely for tanning, shady drug deals and a place for sexiled Pot Burninites to hang out while their more attractive roommates are getting laid.
In addition, the removal of those pesky water polo and swim teams from the Smith Center, the University pool will now be used for more typical jappy water sports such as sitting on a float and sipping mixed drinks, which will be available on students’ meal plans at ridiculous prices.
Though student-athletes said they are appalled by the decision and will look to transfer, no one else seemed to care.
“We’re a shitty sports school anyway,” sophomore Jacob Goldenfarberstein said. “The only reason I went to those basketball games was because of the Subway coupons and those ugly T-shirts with the no smoking signs on them they gave away.”
Others were not even aware teams like squash existed.
“I slept with a baseball player last weekend. Does that mean I can’t hit that anymore?” freshman Sharon Herschensteinowitz said. After a reporter responded many student athletes would still attend GW, she continued, “Oh, OK. I guess it’s fine then.”
Nopantz tried to continue his justification of the decision but stopped short when one of his cigars became lodged in his throat and had no further comment.