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The GW Hatchet

AN INDEPENDENT STUDENT NEWSPAPER SERVING THE GW COMMUNITY SINCE 1904

The GW Hatchet

Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

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GW begins ‘shock and awe’ expansion

GW has launched its much- anticipated “shock and awe” campaign to eviscerate historic Foggy Bottom and rid the community of its elderly residents. After giving locals 48 hours to vacate their homes or die, GW President Smokin Jointswithyour Tuitionmoney, in an address yesterday, gave the order to begin the takeover of the historic community Sunday.

“For more than 90 years, we have essentially been blowing Foggy Bottom, and they have yet to return the favor,” Tuitionmoney declared. “We are looking to get rid of our blue balls.”

The campaign, dubbed “Operation Geriatric Freedom,” involves the coordinated use of staff and students to create an uninhabitable, loud and annoying environment for residents before invading homes and throwing out residents and their belongings.

Tuitionmoney called the action a “war of liberation,” noting that GW was freeing the community of its “illegitimate leadership.”

“No one wants to go to war, but in this case, we are freeing historic Foggy Bottom from the confines of its non-corporate leadership,” Tuitionmoney said.

Off the record, he added that liberation was just a guise for destroying the community. Tuitionmoney said he hopes to tear down townhouses to build numerous gold columns, called “gold members,” in their place.

“You might have noticed I compensate for the size of my pecker by building gold columns around campus,” he said.

The campaign began Sunday night with a shipment of alcohol and drugs to students in the community in order to begin the consistent partying to “shock and awe” the neighbors into heart attacks or moving, newly-appointed Secretary of Defense Checkout My Petriedish said. Sororities also began marching through the night, chanting chapter songs through historic Foggy Bottom as part of GW’s plan.

Petriedish said he estimates the initial campaign will last for two weeks or until the University achieves noise superiority. He said the University needs to better train students in hand-to-walker and hand-to-wheelchair combat before the invasion begins.

Tuitionmoney said students should expect losses from the excessive drinking as well as injuries from hand-to-hand combat with community members.

Salivating over a map of the American eastern seaboard, Tuitionmoney said the school needs more “lebensraum.” He also announced a planned annexation of the Commonwealth of Virginia once Board of Zoning and Assreaming restrictions are lifted.

“Saddam has a palace the size of D.C. Why can’t I have a palace that big,” he whined. “I mean, university.”

However, an internal memo obtained by The BongHit shows the plan is part of GW’s goal to eventually absorb Georgetown University. According to the memo, GW has abandoned its attempt to beat Georgetown academically and will instead grow to the Georgetown border before taking it over.

Five Bitchy Assholes Head Complainer Everythings Smelliot said GW is not following international law by invading the community.

“Can someone tell GW there is more to life than being really, really, really ridiculously large and powerful?” Smelliot said. “You know when you’re having sex and the guy randomly sticks his dick in your ass? This is kind of like that.”

France condemned the GW action, calling it “viscous aggression,” and has submitted a resolution to the United Nations. The French ambassador has called on GW to renew diplomatic talks with residents.

GW responded by changing the name of Marquis de Lafayette Hall to “Freedom Hall” and cutting the University French program.

“Diplomacy has been exhausted … it’s kinda like when I was going to school at Columbia and my roommate died in a freak gasoline fight accident,” Tuitionmoney said. When asked what he meant by the anecdote, he said, “I can’t back that up.”

Tuitionmoney recounted that the last diplomatic talks ended in a fight over whether shampoo or conditioner is better.

“I was like, ‘Shampoo is better. It goes on first and cleans the hair,” he said. Smelliot responded, ‘Conditioner is better because it makes the hair all silky and smooth.'”

Tuitionmoney ended the debate, saying simply, “Stop looking at me, swan” and promptly fell asleep.

“I think I got them on that one,” Tuitionmoney smiled.

Students said they didn’t care about the conflict and were pleased the University was planning to expand the size of the Einstein’s bagel counter.

“If they keep giving us more bagel and coffee options in J Avenue, I guess our tuition is going to good use,” freshman Whiny Bitch said. “Well at least they are giving us some drugs and alcohol to ease the pain.”

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