Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Spit
A warm, thick fluid oozes down the back of your throat, already sore from a huge dick (unless you’re blowing a Georgetown guy) being shoved down it over and over again. Millions of dirty little sperm nestle into your tight stomach, digging their tiny heads into your intestines.

Yeah, that’s what the cheap, needy girls who like slurping down their man’s cum like $8 shots of Sex on the Beach from Madhatters don’t see. Sure the girls at American and Maryland don’t mind drinking a little jizz (Georgetown girls don’t go down on anyone). But GW blowers know they are way too good for that. We don’t even drink vodka unless we see the Grey Goose bottle.

Semen is undeniably gross – basically it’s snot from a penis. It’s thick, sticky and salty. Snot from a nose is nauseating enough, and that does not even have traces of pee in it. Do you make your guy hover over your nose to catch all your mucus in his mouth after a good sneeze? Besides the 25 girls in STD, I don’t think so.

There are 200 to 500 million sperm swimming around in each ejaculation. And that is only 1 percent of it. The rest is water, glucose and fructose. Do you think the Atkins diet allows for that? I think not. If you want to fit back into your size one Seven jeans for the walk of shame back home, demand some tissues, Scope mouthwash and another pair of those see-through sunglasses before he even unzips.

Swallowers may argue during all the sucking and interspersed hand jobs (which any good blower knows to add in) you burn all the calories you’ll intake when he blows his load. But really is this how an effective diet works? You don’t spend two hours in full makeup and Tiffany’s jewelry bouncing up and down on the Pro Core at the Hell Well to give up that easily. Plus, everyone knows cum goes straight to your ass.

Besides ensuring that you keep up the GW girl mantra (self-absorbed, cold and snotty) by not swallowing, spitters are also able to partake in many post-BJ activities while their semen-throated counterparts are busy rubbing their bloated tummy and burping up sperm.

It is a fact that spitting is messier than swallowing. But as with all honorable things in life, there are risks. The trick is to use them to your advantage. As your guy wipes the fruit of your labor from wherever it may have landed, fake that you got a little on your arm or something. Now don’t actually let any get on you because that is disgusting, but just pretend and start whining about it a lot. All GW girls are good at that. Everyone knows guys are totally useless after they let go and will ignore you for at least the next 20 minutes, that is if they don’t fall asleep. Is that any way to treat the lady who just spent quite some time sucking, licking and gagging on an ugly, hairy penis? Stand up for yourselves girls: demand a shower.

This is the perfect time to have him repay the favor (for the second time of course, no self-respecting GW girl goes down on a guy without having him tickle her pickle first). This is also a good time to rinse off all the unbecoming sweat you may have incurred while on your knees.

When that special moment cums, everyone is faced with a choice. Ladies, you can either think about your head or about his. But remember the last two to 30 minutes have been all about him, sucking and gagging your way until he’s comatose with pleasure and you’re comatose with boredom and fatigue. You’ve done your job. Don’t swallow your pride along with his juice. Reward yourself for all your hard work and let it all out.
– Ewwletmeknow Blower, a senior known for quality BJs, has cum in her eye.

Swallow
There are many reasons chicks come up with to justify why they swallow when sucking dick. OCD chicks will tell you swallowing is cleaner. Health nuts will tell you cum is packed with protein. Masochists will tell you jizz just tastes good and fruity.

They’re full of shit. As much as guys would like to imagine girls thinking, “I can’t wait for him to shoot his tasty cum right down my throat! It tastes like a rootbeer float! Yummy,” they are so wrong.

Sorry to blow your load, but imagine swallowing something the consistency of Elmer’s glue that tastes half as good. Then imagine sucking that concoction out of a fleshy, veiny straw.

And cleaner? Unless the entire shaft and ball sack fits in your mouth (and if it does I want to meet you and get whatever surgery you had) there is bound to be some pre-cum all over your hands, cheeks and nose or whatever else you chose to rub up against his pecker.

And while man-juice is low in calories (about 90 per shot) and packed with protein, you can get the same nutritional value from a peanut. And I bet Mr. Planter won’t fall asleep without returning the favor the second he gets off.

There is one reason and one reason only chicks swallow. Guys think it’s cool and will want to hook up with us more. And anything that is guaranteed to get a pant-less guy in our beds is fine by us.

Let me break it down. It’s Thursday night. You haven’t gotten any in a while and you are on a mission for ass. Think of all the shit you do to impress a guy.

8 p.m. “The someone’s gonna see me naked tonight shower.” You know it. You spend a few more minutes exfoliating your ass with apricot scrub. You shave your legs all the way up instead of just to the knee. You take special care when loofah-ing certain areas.

9 p.m. “Touch ups” You use enough Jergens moisturizer to lube a car engine and tweeze enough hair to make Michael Jordan a toupee.

9:30 p.m. “Re-enforcement’s” In addition to you’re normal gel/mousse routine, you break out the fuck-proof hair spray.

10 p.m. “Final touches” If you wear any underwear at all, it’s silk. You’re shirt barely covers your tits and your pants barely cover the top of any cootch-hair you have left. Classy? No. But will it do the trick? For sure.

10:30 p.m. “Game time” You pound shots, all the while thinking, if I’m really drunk, I’ll definitely hook up. Because if a guy can’t find a hot chick to fuck, a really drunk one is the next best thing.

Look at all the work we put into getting guys to think we are cool. Are you really gonna do all this and then not finish the job? Are you going to let all you’re cool points you just earned be swept up in a tissue and flushed down the toilet with the jizz you just wiped off his stomach? I think not.

Then think about what a process it is to spit. First, there’s the all the warning. “Tell me when baby … Are you close sweetie? … Are you ever gonna cum you piece of shit?” All that heckling takes the hum out of a hummer. A guy can’t relax if he’s worried about putting sperm in your eye.

Then there’s the actual ejaculation debacle. Not having actually ever spit myself, I can’t speak from experience, but I’m sure it ruins the mood. Instead of his protein shake making a smooth transition from dick to mouth, a third party must be called. I don’t have a penis, but I’m sure a mouth feels good on it, otherwise blow jobs wouldn’t be in such high demand. So taking the mouth off right at the critical moment and replacing it with a Kleenex can only be a let down.

Then there’s the cleanup. Let’s pretend for a second that a guy has any control over where he shoots. Best case scenario, it goes on your hands. Worst case, all over his stomach and your sheets. If a guy has to sleep in his own stick he won’t be happy.

So slurp up girls, and the guys will be knocking down your dorm room door.
-The writer, a senior majoring in human sexuality, is a dirty, dirty slut.