College company provides students with late night ‘eats’

These days, college students will do anything to earn a buck. While late night snack moguls Jimothy Cowlicks, Jatthew Manhandle and Janthony Ballsaresohairy’s entrepreneurial endeavor, collegepacks.com, recently folded, the guys continue unabated. Their newest venture incorporates the GW ethic of making money with the freshman ethic of spreading it for anyone with at least three attached limbs. The aptly named collegesluts.com will offer rather unique services to the GW community.

“We provide a service … ” Ballsaresohairy said. “And by ‘service’ I mean we provide gaping, fleshy, cum-ridden orifices to students and administrators.”

“We’ve been dealing with people’s late night cravings for a while,” Cowlicks said. “At first we thought they wanted Cheetos and ice cream. Now we know what they really want is a nice slice of thigh pie.”

Gathering a small army of cum-hungry goblins was hardly a difficult task for these two slick willies.

“We tried casing out strip clubs, but those girls wanted none of it. So we just dropped a couple of flyers in Lulu’s and left a stack at Pizza Italia,” Cowlicks said.

“Before we knew it we were knee-deep in cum … goblins.” Ballsaresohairy said. “We had a few choice prospects, but it was mostly just jappy New Yorkers with inverted nipples.”

Nipple inversion is a prepubescent disorder, which usually corrects itself with puberty. But that is neither here nor there.

“We kept one or two of those girls,” Cowlicks said.

The boys’ previous company, collegepacks.com, made all deliveries via bike. When asked how they planned on revamping their business model to accommodate multiple slut deliveries, Ballaresohairy explained a plan was in the works.

“We’re buying another bike,” he said.

This type of creative thought was the inspiration for collegesluts.com.

“I noticed that, while we all claimed to have had sex before, my friends and I always ended up resorting to tube socks and Vaseline,” Cowlicks said

Ballsaresohairy’s life wasn’t so devoid of sexual stimulation.

“I tried joining a frat, but all I got was some guy’s thumb up my ass,” he said.

Their common resolve and shared wrist injuries led the boys to come to an immediate conclusion.

“We knew there was a better way,” said Cowlicks. “What if there was a place where you could pay for sex, and what if that place was, like, your room, and you could just order a ‘tuna melt’ as easy as ordering … a tuna melt.”

As the company’s reputation builds, more girls on campus are trying to get involved. HOVA residents in particular have lodged the most ardent complaints.

“We have plenty of hot, sweet baboon love here,” said one HOVA honey. “I mean, it’s not like we’re Mount Vernon or something.”

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