Q: I am beginning to fear that I can only get my rocks off with make-up sex. I purposely start fights with my boyfriend so that we can spend the next three hours fucking until we love each other again. I think it is becoming a serious problem … I don’t think I can be in the mood unless I am pissed off. What do I do? -Fight and Fuck

Her: You think you have problems? I’m a fucking hermaphrodite! Make-up sex isn’t even an option for me because most men, and, well, women too, run out of the bedroom the minute I drop my pants. I have to have sex in the motherfucking dark and hope that the guy I am with won’t feel the extra rod while we’re bumpin’ uglies. My suggestion to you, you lucky little one-sexed bitch, is to cut the bullshit and enjoy sex for what it really is: one penis and one vagina going at it ’til five in the morning. Damn, you people can be so insensitive. Now, if you don’t mind, I am going to go to some dark room and cry until I’m not a hermaphrodite anymore – which will be never, so fuck you.

Q: I just don’t know how to please the pussy. I have tried everything from kissing it, licking it and deep dicking it, and still I cannot get a girl off. I have a date tonight and I need some help. Can you give me some hints? -Defective Dick

Her: Can I give you some hints? I’m a damned hermaphrodite. When I can find someone to “please my pussy,” they usually are disgusted the minute Mr. Pokey rises to the occasion. Then I am left alone to wallow in my hermaphrodite-induced sexual frustration. What’s your problem? I suggest you stop being so fucking picky and try your less-than-stellar sexual approaches on someone who needs to get some … like a hermaphrodite. Or maybe you would benefit from learning freaking kama sutra. But, then again, what do I know? I’m just a hermaphrodite.