Battle of the Sexes

Question: I’m in my first serious relationship with a guy, and lately, every time we hook up he offers to go down on me. Actually, it’s more like he insists on performing oral sex, but this idea totally repulses me. I don’t mind doing it to him, but I am way too embarrassed and disgusted to let him do it to me, so I’ve been telling him I’ve had my period for the last two weeks. Is that weird? What do I tell him so I don’t offend him?
– Grossed Out

Chick: It’s sweet that he offered to return the favor and that he seems turned on by the idea of performing oral sex on you, but the golden rule holds: if you don’t feel comfortable, don’t do it. Maybe in time, when you become more comfortable with him, you will be open to try it, but if you think it’d be too nerve-racking an experience to handle, don’t bother. Things will just be uncomfortable for you and awkward for him if you’re not enjoying yourself. Next time this comes up, don’t lie (your period can’t last forever). Just tell him that you’re a little uncomfortable with the idea, but when you’re ready, you’ll let him know, and he should drop the issue.

Dick: I was always taught not to trust anything that bled for five days and didn’t die, but two weeks? I don’t really see the problem here; tell him you’re not a fan. It will be the best gift you have given him yet. The only thing better than a blow job is not having to return the favor. Whatever you do, don’t let him try once, because then you will probably like it and be on the dark side with all the other girls. I’m not going to get into your woman issues and what makes you feel insecure, just tell him, and trust me, he will not be upset that he doesn’t have to muff-dive. As I see it, you are happy not getting any and he is happy not giving any, so problem solved. I just hope he’s handy.

Question: I don’t really like to drink: I’m not against it or anything, but it always makes me sick. Problem is, my friends think it’s weird that a guy doesn’t like drinking and so they’re always trying to get me drunk. How do I tell them to back off without looking weak or stupid?
– No Kegs

Chick: It’s perfectly fine not to drink, and if these guys are real friends of yours, they will understand that and leave you alone. But if every weekend it’s the same thing, you have a few options. You might A) Want to rethink why you hang out with these guys so much if your ideas of what constitutes a good night are so different, or B) Just laugh it off and say that you appreciate their effort but you’re not interested. If they continue to pester you, just ask why they are complaining when it means more beer for them, and if nothing else shuts them up, that will.

Dick: First of all, it’s good to be the sober one at parties. It allows you to have the good lines and pick up ladies in a more coherent manner. Secondly, when you make a good move and get her back to your place, there won’t be any drunk fumbling on your end and you will look like an expert. Your friends will realize why you don’t drink after a while and stop harassing you. They are probably just angry because you don’t get super sloppy and make a fool out of yourself. Not drinking is an interesting option. Wow, you probably even know what mornings are like without headaches. My suggestion is to forget about your friends and come up with a good story for why you don’t drink that will help you get girls, and then you will have nothing to worry about. No headaches and plenty of ladies because you aren’t sloppy – the best of both worlds.

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