INTERVIEW: Stutter John and friends or how to say pussy in sign

“That’s how you say pussy in sign language?”

Both entertainer and interpreter recoil in looks of pure shock. “Pussy … pussy … pussy.”

The audience wasn’t sure if they could laugh or not as the entertainer began to berate the interpreter. Little did they know, it would get much worse before it got any better.

“So you’ll repeat anything I say huh?”

To say the least, the politically correct “rules” of play were broken in a blaze of glory during last Sunday’s Stuttering John and Friends Comedy Show at the Smith Center. The show brought the Howard Stern Show’s infamous comedy to a crowd of about 200 students. Featuring “Stuttering John” (The Howard Stern Show), Artie Lang (The Howard Stern Show, Mad TV) and Nick Depaolo (writer for the Chris Rock Show), the trio produced without a doubt some of the most racy, raunchy and, if one’s tastes allowed it, hysterical bits of comedy that’s legal to hear.

Be forewarned, one emphasizes racy, as the comedy routine took a no-holds-barred approach to the topics of race, gender and the hearing impaired. Yes that’s right, the hearing impaired especially got it in the routine.

For those unaware of Stuttering John’s schtick, it’s pretty simple.

“I’m pretty much a professional asshole,” commented Stuttering John. In other words, he goes out representing the Howard Stern Show as a reporter with a bad stutter, approaching top-notch celebrities and asking them random and obscene questions.

“Joan Rivers had the best response,” John said. “I asked her if retarded people should be allowed to have children, and she answered ‘no, and I told your parents that.’ That was great, it was both clever and funny.”

In chatting with the trio backstage, what ensued is what can only be referred to as a most informal, irreverent BS session of degeneracy.

Hatchet: This is a pretty liberal school, are you worried about anyone attacking you on stage?

(Laughter)

Stuttering John: Wha-a-wha-a-wha-a, this is a-a-a-a what?

H: A liberal school.

SJ: This place! Ohhhh, I don’t know, I think we might get hit then!

H: I ask because it’s known that you’ve had some physical attacks from celebrities before.

SJ: Well, I do the interviews for the Stern Show but I never antagonize anyone into a fight, usually celebrities take it upon themselves to hit me. (belch) … yeah I’ve been hit by Raquel Welch, Morton Downey Jr., Marty Richards …

Artie Lang: Yeah all the tough ones, a gay guy, a broad, an old man.

(Laughter)

SJ: I was gonna sue Raquel Welch, and then I was on the phone with Andrew Dice Clay, he had called the show, and I told him I was thinking about suing her and he was like ‘your gonna tell the whole world you got your ass kicked by a chick?’ So I ended up not suing after all.

H: Whose hit you the hardest?

SJ: Raquel Welch had the hardest punch out of all of them, although Sharon Stone’s bodyguard really laid me out. But Raquel Welch just hit me with the backside of her fist, like a smack in the nose. I asked her if they were drooping yet?

H: Were they?

SJ: No! they were beautiful, they looked perfect! She still doesn’t look bad after being 60.

Nick Depaolo: Yeah, she’s 60 but her tits are only four years old.

H: Are you going to ask any of the girls to take their tops off tonight?

SJ: You know it’s funny, I was doing a show at Stevens Institute in Hoboken. And I was just hosting some contest, and there was this hot girl, and I said how much to take your top off? She said she didn’t know, so I started yelling for everybody to start throwing up some money, and in a little bit we had like 200 dollars, she ended up taking her top off for the kids. I’m banned from that college.

(Laughter)

H: After all the years of witnessing kinky freaky sex stuff at the Howard Stern Show, do you still get any arousal out of normal intercourse?

SJ: Oh yeah! Are you kidding me! You know it’s not like a-a-a-anal ring toss turns me on.

AL: All I’m physically capable of is normal intercourse, so I pretty much gotta learn to live with that. I can’t be doing any of that acrobat shit.

H: Howard’s got a lot of really fanatical fans that are willing to do anything to get on the show, what are your fans willing to do for you?

SJ: (Laughter) Obviously not come to my show.

ND: Yeah they’re at a fucking pottery class down the street.

AL: There’s an awful lot of extra folding chairs out there you know.

ND: Yeah it looks like we’re performing in front of a fucking furniture store.

(Laughter)

H: What celebrities would you say are in a close relationship with Satan?

SJ: Well, I really don’t have any hatred for anybody.

ND: Billy Crystal.

SJ: I don’t hate Billy Crystal.

AL: He hates you.

(Laughter)

SJ: Spike Lee’s never been nice, after I interviewed him he chased us down trying to get the tape from us and his bodyguard punched our intern in the head.

H: What did you ask him?

SJ: Why do the blacks hate the Jews?

AL: That’s a good question!

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