Battle of the sexes

Q: Whenever I hook up with a girl, it always ends up going to really late like 5 a.m. I understand some foreplay and such, but why can’t we just cut out some of the middle part and get to the good stuff and be done earlier? -Mr. Speedy

Chick: I hate to tell you this, but there aren’t many girls out there who are as willing or able to be so quick. Girls take longer to warm up so cutting out the oh-so-important foreplay is not an option. Most girls look forward to all the “middle” kissing and cuddling part as well. So while you might be able to get to the “good stuff” really quickly once with a girl, I guarantee that the next day she’ll tell her friends what a horrible hook-up you were because you rushed through everything and then left. Here are your options then: A) Try and find a girl with the same “wham, bam, thank you ma’am” mentality or the more probable option B) Try to enjoy taking things slowly and relishing everything – not just the grand finale. Figure out what bores you or makes you so impatient about the “middle part” and try something new to shake things up a bit, instead of just going through the steps mechanically so you can get what you want and then make a speedy getaway. Maybe you’ll get a much better reputation as a hook-up too, by the way, which never hurts.

Dick: You are complaining about getting with someone, people like you anger me. The point you raise is interesting but I would say that you are S.O.L. When hooking up with someone for the first time they may think you are too insensitive if, within four hours of meeting them, you are saying “can we just do this and get it over with.” I think the only option you have is to tough it out for a while until you get closer, then you can ask to speed up because it’s past your pathetically early bedtime. Buck up pal, you are getting with people. It’s not like your life is so shabby. Just roll with the punches. Honestly, is this really the thing that is the worst part about your life because if that is the case, then whoa, slow your roll and take a nap.

Q: Recently I performed oral sex on my girlfriend for the first time and found it to be, uh, very unpleasant. How can I tell her that things would be more enjoyable for me if she tidied up a bit? -Not looking forward to third base

Chick: Because most girls are pretty self-conscious about these things, you should approach this delicate matter very cautiously – any grimaces or “ewws” should be reserved for later. Whether or not it’s true, tell her how hot you think Brazilian bikini waxes are, how you were too shy to ask your last girlfriend to get one but you’ve always been curious what it would be like. Or, you could trade fantasy ideas: have her reveal first something that she wishes you’d do, and then shyly ask if she’d ever think about getting a Brazilian. Hopefully these subtle clues will work their magic, but if worse comes to worst and as awkward as this might be, it’s best to tell her the truth in very gentle terms. There’s no point in dumping her over something like this. So explain that while you like her a lot and while you love hooking up with her, you’d find her even more attractive if she waxed or trimmed. If she refuses to do this, then it’s up to you to decide how much this really bothers you and whether it’s worth all the fuss or not.

Dick: Dear hairball, it seems like you are caught between a rock and a hard on. If you say nothing, than you will probably not enjoy yourself and not be able to get any either. But tell her and chances are she will not be so happy with you. So here is my suggestion – be an explorer a few more times and then one evening make a playful suggestion. Go with the, “I heard that if you shave, it feels really good and could be kinky.” That way you aren’t complaining, as much as just trying to be more porno like, which will not be seen as a negative and will just show your wild side coming out. Your only problem is if she doesn’t like shaving, assuming she caves into your prodding. Then it will be rough, when she decides not to shave again, and, um, how can I say it, well definitely not be smooth like butter.

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