And now what you’ve all been waiting for. part two of my NFL/ GW thoughts.
Thought 4: The much-hyped combo of Al Michaels and John Madden has been excellent this year, much to my surprise. I had written Madden off a few years ago during a Cowboys game when he started to measure the sweat on the rear ends of each Cowboy offensive lineman. One by one he showed each player, and one by one he circled the sweat on their butts. It wasn’t even a boring game, if I recall. It was just painful television. Anyways, I have come to realize now why Madden had gotten so bad. Pat Summerall, who retired and then un-retired and is still calling games for Fox, was one of the greatest play-by-play men of his time. The only problem was, his time ended in the mid-1980s. For the last decade, Summerall was mispronouncing names, calling wrong players and, most importantly, not saying very much in between. I think Madden felt like he had to talk all the time, and he too often talked about stupid things. Now that he’s with Michaels, who talks a lot, Madden is able to stick with mostly football. And when it comes to football, he still knows more than most.
Speaking of people who talk a lot, I am sick and tired of “that kid in lecture.” You know who I’m talking about. In every Funger lecture, there are one or two students who insist on speaking multiple times during each lecture. The reason it is called a “lecture” is because the professor is supposed to lecture and we are supposed to listen. Participation is for discussion sections or classes with less than 30 people. As a general rule, if there are more than 30 people, you should not be talking more than once in a lecture, if that much. The worst kind of “that kid in lecture” is the one that always questions whether the professor is right. If you were smarter than the professor, you wouldn’t be the friggin’ student! You would have your own class to teach, where you could talk all the time, enjoy listening to your own voice and feel smarter than everybody else. Until that day happens, shut up! To any freshmen: do not become the kid who talks in lecture all the time. It will stay with you for the rest of college. People will pass you years later, and say, “Hey! There’s that kid who talked in lecture all the time freshman year. I hate that kid.” So please, don’t talk more than once in lecture. This is good advice. Trust me, I would know. I hate plenty of kids.
Thought 5: A new trend in the NFL this season has been injured players getting second opinions from other doctors besides the team trainers. The thought behind this practice is that team trainers only have the best interests of the team in mind and not the player. Therefore, players are going to other doctors who only care about the best interests of the player rather than the team. This should have started years ago. Retired players have always talked about being treated poorly by team doctors and forced to play with serious injuries. Perhaps now players will be given adequate time to heal and there will be fewer careers cut short by injury. Whether or not this has any impact on longevity will be something to look at 10 years from now.
Speaking of health care, GW has officially crossed the line for the 87th time. A bee recently stung someone I know. It was the first time she had ever been stung by a bee, so she went to good ol’ student health. Luckily, she was not allergic to bee stings, and only required some anti-itching lotion and an ice pack. A small tube of anti-itching lotion cost $7. This didn’t seem too bad. However, just to walk into the doctor’s office cost $12. This approached the line. A small ice pack, like the ones you got in elementary school when you scraped your knee, cost $5. That blur under your feet was the line flying by. Five bucks for an ice pack! For five bucks, an ice pack should sing, dance and entertain as it cools. But this ice pack did nothing of the sort. In fact, it didn’t even stay cold for more than 20 minutes. They charge us $40,000 to attend GW, and then nickel and dime us with all this other stuff. I’ve had enough. Being the innovator that I am, I’ve come up with a plan for student health.
Attention all student health staff and employees: I’m sure you have a refrigerator somewhere in that office. Go buy these new things called “ice trays (Reader – whenever you see quotes in this paragraph, please use both hands to make quotations marks as you read.).” Now take these “ice trays” and fill them with water, which is FREE. Put them in the refrigerator overnight, say presto-chango, and let them cool. When you get back in the morning, the water will have magically turned into “ice cubes.” Remove these “ice cubes,” and put a few of them in what’s known as a “plastic bag,” which you can buy in bulk for almost nothing (If I’m going too fast, just go back a few sentences and start over.). These “ice cubes,” put into a “plastic bag,” will create . (drum roll please) . ICE PACKS! And you can probably charge 25 cents per ice pack and still make a profit. Unbelievable, I know. Where do I even come up with these ideas, you ask? Well, it involves a little brainstorming, years of engineering classes and countless conferences on the ice pack industry. I suppose I could also use COMMON SENSE!
I know what you’re thinking after reading my thoughts, “this guy really has problems with GW.” But believe it or not, I immensely enjoy attending this University, I’ve just been a little upset lately. Next week, I’ll be more upbeat. Maybe I’ll even do a column on the top 10 reasons J Street employees deserve a pay raise. “Reason number four – even when they close 10 minutes early, I’m told to “f#@% off,” in a friendly and courteous manner.” See, that was upbeat.
