The Full Nelson:A beautiful mind.with complaints

I’ve always enjoyed the way thought patterns work. Our minds are concentrated on one thing, but if they wander for a split second, we end up thinking about something completely different in a matter of moments. Obviously this is most evident in class, where paying attention is half the battle, but it happens with things we enjoy too. Even football. So without further ado, here are some thoughts I’ve had on the NFL season that transformed into thoughts about GW.

Thought 1) Quarterbacks have always done the “sprint-to-the-end zone-after-throwing-a-TD-to celebrate-with-the-wide-receiver,” but if you’ve noticed, the Detroit Lions’ Joey Harrington has taken it to a new level. They list his 40 time at 4.8 or 4.9, but he’s definitely going 4.2 or 4.3 on the way to that end zone. Honestly, I am willing to bet Joey Harrington is the fastest man in the NFL when he’s excited.

Speaking of sprinting, can we discuss the rules of sprinting to class when you’re late? Is it okay to run down the sidewalks? Clearly when we see people running, we think they look stupid, especially because it is impossible to run with a backpack and not look stupid. But when you know you’re going to be late, and it’s a small class where the professor notices, I think you have to run. I tend to do the awkward jog, but I always have to convince myself it’s OK. Am I supposed to be too cool to run and not care that I’m late? Can I get an official ruling from some authority of cool, like William Riker from the Starship enterprise? Am I automatically not cool because I just used a Star Trek reference?

Thought 2) San Francisco’s Terrell Owens’ touchdown celebration of pulling a Sharpie out of his sock, and signing the football two weeks ago has caused much fuss and debate in the NFL and media. Whether it was wrong or right is an entirely different column, but if I’m Shawn Springs I can’t wait until Dec. 1 when the Hawks and Niners play again. On a hit where Springs really nails Owens, he should take the ball out of Owens’ hands, pull a Sharpie out of his own sock, sign it, and hand it back to Owens with trash talking involved (although being a short, scrawny white kid, I don’t know too much about what he should say). Either way, some form of retaliation is in order.

Speaking of retaliation, with this column I begin my push to have a “GW Hatchet Top 50 Magazines” article. Everybody seemed pretty upset about us not making the U.S. News and World Report “Top 50 Colleges,” so I say we stick it to the bastards. Let’s see how they like being called “second tier.” We could also have subsections, where we list the “Worst 10 Magazines” based on “journalistic credibility” and “writing quality,” where they would finish as second worst, just ahead of Maxim. (That’s right fellas. If you read Maxim, you are either a) too timid to buy actual porn, b) desperate for sex advice, which you’re probably not having if you subscribe to Maxim or c) actually entertained by articles about the World Arm-wrestling Federation). All right Hatchet editors, let’s get on top of this.

Thought 3) There has been plenty of controversy and debate on the Broncos’ Kenoy Kennedy’s suspension for hitting Chris Chambers helmet-to-helmet two weeks ago. While Mike Shanahan uses laser pointers to show why it was clean and countless pundits explain why it was dirty, I’ve been stuck on a different issue of rough play. Has anyone else noticed that you can’t watch an NFL game this year without having at least one awful roughing the passer call? Don’t get me wrong. I am all for protecting the quarterback and agree with several rules that have been instituted to do just that, but this season has been ridiculous. If I wanted to see awful calls, I’d watch soccer, where players barely get touched and go down writhing in pain. Once a card is issued, the player gets up, and by some miracle of God, he’s okay! This is football, for Y.A. Tittle’s sake!* Keep the flag in your pants, ref.

*If you don’t know who Y.A. Tittle is, check out Morris Berman’s famous picture of the star quarterback at,YA5.jpg.

Speaking of bad calls, who made the final decision on our new mail/package system. It used to be bad. Now, it’s even worse. The mail goes through exactly 67 different steps before it gets to our mailboxes. During week two of the NFL season, I got my Sports Illustrated NFL preview issue. Mail should not be this complicated. Maybe I don’t know all the details, but there has got to be a better way. Kids are getting credit card bills days after the first payment is due. My roommate is getting Maxim weeks after the World Arm Wrestling Championships concluded. It’s just not right. As for packages, unless you live in Thurston, E Street, or Mitchell, you have to go way out of your way to get a package. Luckily, if it’s heavy, they provide a cart to wheel your package home. But they charge you for the cart! “Yes, I am going beat you up and break your legs, but I’ll drive you to the hospital when I’m done. You just have to pay me for the gas.” Back to my original question, who had the final say in this? If you’re reading this – and judging by the number of responses to the question in my first column, you’re not – please write in and explain. My sanity depends on it.

Stay tuned for part two.

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