No matter how many reasons Tim Kurkjian, Tony Kornheiser and my colleague Steve Bernard give us to watch the all-California World Series, chances are unless you’re from Orange County, you aren’t too excited. And I don’t blame you. As much as I love baseball, its hard to get excited about something happening 3,000 miles away over two teams that I have no emotional attachment to whatsoever.
But this is not a new problem. The same apathy surrounded 1999’s Subway Series when the Mets “challenged” the Yankees (we just didn’t notice the apathy because we are East-coast snobs), and when Oakland and the Giants faced each other in 1989. But it won’t happen anymore. Once Bud Selig reads this column, we will never have to suffer through another unattached World Series again. I, Lauren Silva, have figured out how to save baseball.
Do away with the American and National Leagues. Now hear me out. Baseball needs a regional alliance. Think about it. You’re a Mets fan (sorry). Who do you root for in the All-Star game? National League, obviously. Who do you want to win the World Series? The National League. Why? It’s some crazy desire to be a part of the glory. If my team can’t win, at least my league can.
But this makes no sense. Phillies and the Diamondback fans have less in common than a lox bagel and a burrito. It makes more sense to pledge your allegiance to a coast. I like the Atlantic Ocean better than the Pacific. I like Disney World better than Disney Land. I like “wicked” better than “hella” and the Braves better than the Giants. See how easy that was? You try.
Let’s take it back to the mid-1980s. NBA finals. Celtics- Lakers. The whole country was enthralled. East coast versus west coast. Larry versus Magic – classic. To this day I still hate the Lakers. So as much as I hate New Jersey (I think I just committed suicide by saying that at GW), I was rooting for the Nets last June. And the same can be true with baseball.
The bonus of this whole deal is we can finally do away with the designated hitter, but that’s another column all together.
So here’s how it would work: Do away with the AL and NL and split the 30 MLB teams into West Coast and East Coast Leagues. So, off the top of my head, you have Arizona, Colorado, Houston, L.A., San Diego, San Francisco, Anaheim, Oakland, Seattle and Texas in the West and Atlanta, Florida, N.Y. Mets, Philadelphia, Baltimore, Boston, N.Y. Yankees, Tampa Bay and Toronto in the East.
This leaves the two Chicago teams, Cincinnati, Milwaukee, Montreal, St. Louis, Cleveland, Detroit, Kansas City and Minnesota. I don’t know the geographic location of these cities and, to be honest, I don’t care. I came up with the plan, let someone who passed fourth grade geography carry out the minutia. Just put half of them in the east and half in the west. Time zones make good dividing lines.
The problem lies in New York and Chicago. So we could get rid of the Yankees (thus exponentially increasing the happiness of every baseball fan in America except Yankees fans, who don’t deserve to be happy anyway, and my dad, who after 50 years of being heartbroken by the Red Sox has actually taken a liking to them. Yuck.) and get rid of the White Sox. Common sense would say ditch the Cubbies, but misery loves company and if the BoSox are going to lose every year, and I’m convinced they are, I want another cursed team along for the ride.
So there you go. People like the World Series, the DH is no more and Bud gets his contraction. Now that I’ve saved baseball, I think I’ll focus my attention on making football players less conceited. Anyone seen my Sharpie?