I have been hearing about the Excellence in Student Life Awards for some time now, and just like in People magazine’s Sexiest Man list, I was snubbed.

But what are these awards anyway? I can only imagine that they are excellent and thoughtful awards for students that do very good things on this campus. No, check that, excellent things on this campus.

My only misunderstanding is the name for the awards ceremony: Excellence in Student Life. Now it is entirely possible I have the average Joe philosophy, the “drinks beer, stays out late and does a lot of drugs” attitude towards college, which may cloud my notions of an excellent student life.

What does every campus need? Jocks. So who are the most excellent jocks on campus? It is a toss-up between the men’s baseball team and women’s ruggers (rugby). I love walking by a group of baseball players, because, undoubtedly, you will hear something along the lines of, “Dude, so I had her legs here . ”

That Guy On The Couch Award undoubtedly goes to David Burt. While he has been nothing but nice to me, goddammit, why won’t he leave GW? And that goes for you, too, Jeff Marootian.

The University Honors Program takes two awards in my ceremony – the Nerdiest and the Coolest individuals on campus. Never have I seen a collection of students that have their act together academically and socially more than these kids. Plus, you know, they save about $10,000 a year. Can you do the math smarty, business school guy? Your stock options look good in my shorts. Honors kids strut around campus saying words like “symposium” and “prima facie.” I say to them, “Rock on! It is our prima facie duty to have a symposium every night of the week.” Enter stage left: baseball team. Action: kick the crap out of Dave Smith.

My award for Cruelest People on campus must go to those poor souls that have a dog as a fashion accessory. I don’t care if it is named after a Swedish superhero or an eclectic Lithuanian shopping mall. I especially don’t care if a bunch of fat, French models carry them around in their handbags. It is a dog, and I’ll be damned if you can take care of yourself, let alone a dog.

The Award for Slickest Move of the Year (and yes, we all have them – mine was the other weekend when I fell out of a tree in front of the three hottest girls I’ve seen in these parts) goes to a bunch of sophomores who wrote up a bogus Community Living and Learning Center program so they and their buddies could have a whole floor to themselves in The Dakota. The coolest part is that the school funds their program. These funds are then used to “live and learn” about the joys of alcohol abuse. Apparently, this happens elsewhere in CLLC.

So there you have it, the awards that people will clamor over for the next so many years.

-The writer, a senior majoring
in philosophy, is a Hatchet humor columnist.