Editor’s note: Dave Smith received this e-mail recently and instead of forwarding it, he thought he should share it with the entire GW community. He recognizes the danger he puts himself into by not completing the chain. Ninjas be damned.

Hopefully, you have received this e-mail from one of your friends concerned for the health and well-being of Jessica McKinley. Jessica is a 17-year-old girl from Wauwatosa, Wisconsin, who lives with a fatal case of agoraphobia, the abnormal fear of being in open spaces. She has lived all of her life indoors, and now, thanks to the internet, my best friend can forever visit foreign lands and the town next door right from her seat by the fridge in her father’s den.

I, Amber Lite, have started this e-mail chain in honor of my best friend Jessica. I am hoping to get this e-mail to visit every town on the face of the Earth so that Jessica and I can be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest e-mail chain ever. We want to grace the same pages as the man who ate a redwood tree and his lovely wife who had 17 cocks shoved in her mouth. There were feathers everywhere. You are the 37th person to receive this e-mail and it has already been around the world nine times. “Nine times?” you may ask.

“Yes, nine times,” I answer. So we need you to send this e-mail to everyone you know from high school, college and your job so you can be removed from the internet community for your latent stupidity.

You must send this e-mail to your friends 10 times over if you want to have sex 10 times in the next 30 minutes. If you do not send this e-mail, God will strike you down with a cleft sphincter. He will also eat your dog, no joke.

I heard from my cousin that he sent this e-mail to his buddy Derek. Well, being that it was Derek’s first time on the internet, he accidentally deleted the e-mail, and immediately following that, a ninja sliced off his forearms with a samurai sword and proceeded to kill the whole town sparing only Derek. After he got out of the hospital, Derek said the ninja was really cool, riding dirt bikes in his spare time.

If you manage to send the e-mail to a non internet-ready place like Milwaukee or Kansas City, Bill Gates will send you $10 million from his private helicopter. I know because he has already sent me $15 million just for starting this e-mail. He sends this money because he wants to discourage kids from buying Tommy Hilfiger and Liz Claiborne clothes because those companies are openly racist.

So, if you have not forwarded this e-mail to your entire inbox 17 times already, you will be in some serious trouble both physically and sexually. We have only so many days on this planet, and some of us have to spend it indoors fighting to stay alive. Let’s go down in history.

-The writer, a senior majoring philosophy, is a Hatchet humor columnist.