Like everyone at the George Washington University, we here at the Snatchet hold high a proud tradition of borrowed names, likenesses and fabricated traditions associated with this country’s great forefathers who had nothing to do with, nor would ever want to be associated with, some piddly second-tier school located in the armpit of our nation’s capital. So it is with great honor and pride that we seized the opportunity to get up close and personal with a man of great renown who just happens to share our preciously unique name.
Forefather and Utah Sen. Orrin Snatch, one of George Washington’s closest friends, was known during his time throughout the nation as a cunning linguist and a lover of terrible, terrible puns. But after the War of 1812, which probably had something to do with terrorism, Sen. Snatch told Congress that he was disgusted with his fellow countrymen and migrated to Mexico, attracted by their surplus of jobs and the incredibly high value of the peso.
The Snatchet caught up with its namesake in Acapulco, where our reporters spent Spring Break slurping body shots off each other and sharing venereal diseases. Now known as Se?or Snatch, the approximately 200 year-old ex-senator is pink, wrinkled and covered in small curly hairs that are impossible to pull off your tongue. The following interview starts off well, but eventually descends into the madness of a Heart of Darkness/Apocalypse Now rip-off.
Snatchet: Did you know that there’s a student newspaper in Washington, D.C. named after you?
Se?or Snatch: Really? I always thought The Snatchet took its name from a slang term for the female geni- .
Snatchet: No, it’s actually named after you. Are you surprised?
Se?or Snatch: Not really; lots of universities mimicking Ivy League schools try to play up their associations with dead white men everybody likes. Which school are you even from again?
Se?or Snatch: Oh. I remember you guys! Wasn’t there some video on the internet .?
Snatchit: Shh, we try not to talk about it.
Se?or Snatch: Sure made me want to go to that school! YOWZA.
Snatchit: So you don’t mind that GW is ripping off your and Washington’s image in a vain attempt to crawl back into the first tier?
Se?or Snatch: Not really, though the hippo, that Potomac water horse.
Snatchit: What’s wrong with that?
Se?or Snatch: Well, the statue is kind of inaccurate.
Snatchit: You mean because there was no such animal?
Se?or Snatch: No, no, President Tractorbutt didn’t make that up, it’s just that the original water horses – when I remember frolicking with them, at least – well, they had much bigger balls than that.
Snatchit: So Tractobutt didn’t fabricate the fact that there were water horses?
Se?or Snatch: No, he just made up the whole part about John Adams’ birthplace and that thing about how GW Hospital isn’t secretly killing Froggy Bossom residents.
Snatchit: Why would they bother doing something like that? Froggy Bossom residents are going to die off on their own pretty soon anyway.
Se?or Snatch: True, true.
Editor’s note: For those of you who were disappointed in the number of vagina-related jokes in this article, try writing your own damn article about someone named Se?or Snatch.