Staff editorial: Bling, bling moron

Damn it! They are cheap enough now, so buy one already. We at The Snatchet are talking about cell phones. Not only are they cheap, they are free in many cases. So claiming that they are too expensive simply won’t cut it anymore.

Holding out because you’re fundamentally against the idea of having a wireless phone? Bullshit! You’re just being cheap, and you know it. Even the poorest of the poor students can afford one. Companies are practically giving them away in cereal boxes for crying out loud. What more do you need?

Yeah, we’re talking to you, the technophobe, 20th-century laggard who probably spends too much time fantasizing about life during the Summer of Love. It’s nice to be reached all of the time every day. And cell phones even come with voicemail and on-off buttons, so you can control when people can reach you. May we suggest taking five minutes away from the bong to listen to chill ring tones by all your favorite artists.

If you aren’t a hippie, still don’t have one and make fun of your friends who do, you’re basically a moron, especially if you’re that kid who always has to borrow the phone to make the proverbial “quick” phone call to a friend. On behalf of those of us who have boldly embraced life in the wireless age, stop mooching!

How could anyone have a problem with FREE long distance? If you don’t like calling friends and loved ones for free, please remember that you are still a fucking moron.

As for health concerns, the microwave radiation hasn’t been proven bad for you. In fact, anyone saying that cell phones cause cancer is full of shit. Radiation is the lifeblood of the universe. The sun has been irradiating the Earth for billions of years and you don’t hear people cursing the day the sun was born. That’s like cursing your own existence. Therefore cell phones, like the sun, are crucial to life.

Are you really that poor or that against technology where you would deprive yourself of the convenience of a cell phone? Maybe you’d be more comfortable traveling back in time when people wrote everything on paper and traveled from Europe to the United States by boat in a blazing three-week oceanic odyssey. Just know your wireless-enabled friends laugh and place great pity on you.

The Hatchet has disabled comments on our website. Learn more.