Sex, drugs & Rock n’ Roll: On-campus speakeasy is born: Welcome to The Cock and Tail

You know what GW is missing, aside from a ranking in the top tier of schools? No, you probably don’t because you’re too busy picking out the latest styles at Diesel, buying your fifth cell phone in four months or trying to hem your Phish-esque corduroys for the umpteenth time. What I’m talking about is a place to booze it up on campus.

College is stressful enough. We work hard and deserve a nice place to have a meal plan subsidized speakeasy. With GW having more girls than guys, I’m dumbfounded as to why there hasn’t been momentum for this before. As a red-blooded American male, favorable odds are good odds, and alcohol only makes our female-courting job easier.

By the powers vested in me, I hereby name this on-campus den of debauchery The Cock and Tail. This place is going to be the sheezy.

GW places much emphasis on diversity, and The Cock and Tail should be no different. I envision everything from a hooka section for those of our friends who have their origins in the Middle East and South Asia to a Prada-Gucci drink night where Chopin and cranberries, Jack and Cokes and Soco and Amaretto shots are half off. There will also be a “Snortables” section, including a bathroom having plenty of flat mirror space for some red hot booger-sugar action.

Perhaps the architects of the new Elliott School can find it in their hearts and budgets to put The Cock and Tail on the roof of this new building. A penthouse space would really be a flattering, bold shout out to GW’s homies, daring them to follow suit. Inside and outside bars will be a part of the venue’s breathtaking views of the National Mall.

GW used to have a place in the Marvin Center where responsible, of-age students could drink down some fermented specialties. But alas, the tyrannical, totalitarian administration stripped students of this right. The Cock and Tail would accept GWorld’s as age identifications, but also anything that might hint at being of age would also gladly be accepted. For example, a note to yourself, signed by (you guessed it) yourself, explaining that you are legal will be accepted by the blind and partially deaf bouncers at the door.

Metro Cops and University Police Occifers be damned! We’re young and stressed out. It’s time to break out with a funkadelic slice of rebellion served with complimentary cocktail umbrellas.

Some academic disciplines would benefit from students throwing down a couple of drinks before class anyway. Take economics for instance; this dismal science couldn’t predict its way out of an E! True Hollywood Story. I think Jack Daniel’s and Captain Morgan could certainly help loosen up Adam Smith’s and John Maynard Keynes’s theories. Interest rates, shminterest rates! It goes without saying that creative writing students will have more creativity, but it’s not like they haven’t been puffing and drinking all along. So I say to you future writers, keep puff-puffing away.

Business school students, already being trained in art of getting rich through corporate collapses, could rethink or enhance their greed over a nice bottle of Chianti.

I’m still wrestling with the idea of having lesbian strippers (no, I really am, and I’m winning), midgets waiters and professors who serve as guest bartenders. You can e-mail your suggestions for The Cock and Tail to i’m.loony@yathink.com. Viva la Cock and Tail!

-The writer, like most GW students, is an opinionated sophisticate from some uppety white-bred city.
Editor’s note: Column was written with a massive cocktail.

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