Several fraternities jumped up and kicked the University in the balls Friday when they announced at a press conference that they are starting an organization for fraternities that haze.
“We’re tired of all this pussy fraternity shit,” said Snatches Are Excellent President Friday Focker. “You got questions, I’ve got answers. We haze the shit out of our pledges. We bash them with chairs, we force them to drink and we even force them to go to Dupont Circle and run around asking for phone numbers. We do it all in the name of brotherhood.”
Snatches Are Excellent, which decided to forego University recognition “a fucking long time ago” said it got tired of paying lip service to the Snatchet campus newspaper.
“This is such fucking bullshit, all these newbie schnewbie chapters that come to campus and become gentlemen’s clubs,” Focker said. “We just want to be dicks.'”
Several former fraternities dropped their original hazing denials when the new group became available.
“Do you think I want to haze my pledges?” said Sorry Charlie, president of Zorro Buying Trout fraternity in an interview with The Snatchet in October. “I’d rather be out getting some friggin’ snatch.”
But Charlie seemed to drop the denial Friday.
“We’re going to merge with Snatches Ala Mode and make them our bitches,” Charlie said. “We’re going to watch them bone each other and instruct them to greet all brothers with an, ‘I will suck your dick for crack greeting.’ We are so tight-knit brotherhood, we can tell you how much hair each brother has on his ass.”
The office with the most turnover in the Shitty Activities Corner – the office of Geek Relegations – said it would do nothing about the new organization for a change.
“Man, we had 22 pledges last semester – and our extension chapter SAM is licking up the rest of the Jappy market,” Charlie said. “Plus we can offer a little protection, if you know what I mean – and I ain’t talking about no Trojan shit.”