No W’s, but you can buy a vowel

Head basketball czar and losing streak specialist Kills Mobs said during the season (note to readers: wake up, this isn’t about the men’s on-court performance) that he and senior lamppost Chaafing Pits were like father and son. Last week each gave each other what Pits called “the greatest honor I can think of” by changing their names in dedication to each another.

After Pits added another “a” to his name, making it Chaaafing J. Pits, Mobs was so moved that he returned the honor the following day by changing his name to Kiills Mobs.

According to Pits, it all started last Thursday when he was reflecting on his career at GW with girlfriend and matching lamppost Idlikea Lowrent. Pits said he was thinking about how much he treasured his senior season under Mobs and wanted to show his appreciation somehow.

“I was thinking about getting him a gift or writing him a letter or something, and then it hit me,” Pits said. “Why not just add another ‘a’ to my name?”

Pits said the “a” is a reflection of his coach’s effect on him since they met nearly a year ago.

“Coach always got on me to make more of myself and to put in just a little bit extra every day,” Pits continued. “So now that I’ve done that, I am making more of my name by putting in that extra letter in honor of coach.”

When Mobs found out about Pits’ decision, the coach said he could not recall anything that ever made him so emotional.

“I was almost in tears,” Mobs said. “In fact, I was in tears. Sure I’ve been honored with awards as a player and as a coach. See this ring? I won with the University of Conmen, and even getting hired here wasn’t the best day of my life. But what can compare with this? Nothing, except a head coach job at UConmen.” He added, “I will treasure this day for the rest of my life. Now get outta my office and stay off my friggin’ bus.”

But treasuring the honor was not enough for Mobs. He said he didn’t sleep at all Thursday night and kept searching for some way to reciprocate what Pits did. Then, suddenly, Mobs made the dramatic announcement the following night.

Mobs was standing in front of a podium at the National College Referees Association Coaching Awards, giving his acceptance speech after receiving the Bob Knight Courtesy and Composure on the Sidelines Award.

With the full attention of a large audience, Mobs began, “I am truly honored to receive this award tonight, but I cannot accept this award as Kills Mobs,” leaving the crowd momentarily speechless.

He continued, “Because of a greater honor bestowed upon me by one of my players, I will now accept this award with my new name, Kiills Mobs, as a dedication to that player.” Needless to say, the crowd erupted in applause as Mobs fought back tears.

After the ceremony, referee Tommy Technical spoke about Mobs’ latest award and complemented the coach’s tribute to Pits.

“It was a really nice thing he did, and it shows what a compassionate guy he really is,” Technical said. “We gave him this award because we knew he was that kind of guy. When he ran out on to the court, stomped his feet and screamed in our faces all season, you just knew he did it with the utmost respect for us.”

When asked whether he would ever insert additional a’s into his name, Pits did not rule out the possibility.

“It takes a special person in my life for me to dedicate an ‘a,” Pits said. “But as other people enter my life I would hope there will be others that are letter-worthy.”

He added, “Hopefully, this will be the first of many more a’s to come.”

Mobs was not as optimistic about future letter additions, as he said his first name will remain Kiills indefinitely.

“I’m very doubtful that I will ever want to dedicate another ‘i’ to my name like I did with Chaaafing because Chaaafing was just so unique,” Mobs said. “But adding another ‘b’ to ‘Mobs,’ now that’s a whole different ballgame.”

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