A suicide bomber from know terrorist group the Viagra Militia blew up the Extraneous School of Illicit Affairs building as part of a declaration of war against what they call GW’s “occupying forces.”
“Enough is enough! We are going to teach GW that we will not take their invasion of our community lightly,” said Freakin Bitchin Asses President Gonna Croak. “It’s on now.”
Croak’s Viagra Militia claimed responsibility for the attack, saying “we will destroy every GW erection in the community.”
Viagra Militia members said they are declaring a jihad on GW after its 90-year occupation of the neighborhood, and will not stop until GW administrators and students retreat to the pre-1912 borders of Smokey Ass.
“They call themselves a University when they are really a small nation bent on our destruction,” said Viagra leader At Attention at the funeral of the bomber.
More than 1,000 Smokey Ass residents marched around Washington Circle as part of the funeral procession, vowing continued strikes. More than 50 residents died at the funeral when processioners attempted to shoot in the air but did not have the strength to hoist the guns high enough.
Shockinglyworthlesss Association President Godplease Notmore was reportedly shot in the procession, but spectators took little notice because they thought he was just doing more of his Abraham Lincoln
“I saw Notmore go down, but then I thought, ‘there he goes again, that quirky bastard,” said one student.
GW officials said they are shocked by the bombing and will retaliate for the incident.
“We have the power to let the community know who is boss . if they want to mess, we will let them know that they are our bitch,” said University Retaliations spokeswoman Goaheadand Swing.
“A new residence hall would look nice from New Hampshire to 26th street,” Swing said under her breath.
Swing said GW will not retreat from its current position in the community until Croak calls for an end to the violence and renounces the groups’ violent methods.
GW officials said residents have torpedoed the five-year campus plan negotiations with the attack, and are looking for the community to come back to negotiate.
“What negotiations? If you mean the continued occupation of Smokey Ass, then we will have nothing to do with it,” Attention said.
Freakin Bitchin residents are calling for an independent mediator, preferably someone really old and really pissed off. GW’s president attempted to dispatch a live response via videophone but the transmission was unexpectedly cut off. The millions of people worldwide who hate him are suspected in the case.
“GW has us under siege and the residents cannot go on allowing their land and homes to be occupied and destroyed by GW,” Croak said. “We were here first.”
Croak said she can trace Freakin Bitchin members’ roots back more than 200 years.
“Not many people know this, but George Washington himself said he would not want a university named after himself to be in D.C. if it infringed on the rights of the residents,” Croak said.
GW students said they think the conflict has become ridiculous and want resolution so they can get back to their normal schedules.
“All I know is that the bombing fucked up my cell phone reception and that is like a declaration of war on students,” said sophomore Prada Islife.
Students in the Free Smokey Ass!!!!!!!!!!!! progressive group said they are standing with the community because they haven’t had anything to protest in some time.
“We haven’t looked into the arguments for either side, but at this point it seems that the Freakin Bitches would be the more natural fit for a progressive cause,” said Please Quoteme, the group’s leader.
Quoteme said they will palm card outside the Marvin Center and inflate a giant aardvark for no real reason at all.