MPD outlaws alcohol thoughts

The Might Patrol D.C. Department arrested 10 GW students last week for underage “alcoholic thoughts” after a new law prohibiting students from thinking about alcohol was passed with neighborhood approval.

The officers said the students were “probably thinking about the alcohol.”

MPD officer Copsin Shops said laws indicate that if you are thinking about alcohol, then you are technically possessing it.

“They were probably going to have some sometime that weekend anyway, so I figured I ought to book them for the public’s safety,” Shops said.

Shops added that as with all violent offenders in D.C., police will require minors arrested for possession of alcohol hand over their shoelaces and valuables, and be subject to a strip search.

Shops said the only reason MPD officers make students remove their laces is because they need practice giving instructions for real arrests.

The arrests are the most recent addition to Mayor Crackmakes MeIllman’s assault on local college kids.

“(The students) spend too much money and drive nicer cars than me, plus the president of the university has that fucking baseball cap that just annoys the hell out me. I mean, I threw down five bones for a bow tie at Marshalls’s and he wears a hat?” MeIllman said.

President Stuffin Jstreet Fattyburgers declined to comment on the baseball cap.

Two of the students were searched after police found them trying to find a parking meter on 22nd between F and G Streets. The students were found in possession of three pills of acne medicine, two calculators, four Metro cards and a “suspicious” looking set of keys with a laser-pointer keychain.

A witness and friend of the assailants El-Sharif Al-Dabi took the property from the officers to hold.

“They asked for my ID and I wasn’t sure which one to give them so I gave them my second cousin’s hotel discount card,” Al-Dabi said.

Assisting Officer Dick Head said he could not have arrested Al-Dabi for false identification because it was “too confusing.”

“Come on man, I used to be a University police officer,” Head said. “This guy had, like, seven fucking ID’s. We weren’t trained for this.”

The assisting officer, Lt. Drop Out, said he finally made his monthly quota.

“Now I can do what I was destined to do – spend the rest of the month handling security for frat parties or taking kick-backs from my sketchy hole-in-the-wall Georgetown bar,” he said.

The students were transported to Yuppie District station where the MPD officers had to let several rapists out to make room for the lawbreakers.

“We had a little cell-crowding so we just let some other suspects out. The Anal Neighborhood Association won’t bitch about them,” said one Yuppie District watch commander.

When the Alcoholic Dreams Task Force was on their power trip detail, they were asked if they saw any point to their job.

MPD Commander Peein’ Inthebushes declined to comment through e-mail.

Student Juryrigging Services could not respond to calls because they lost their conch shell and could no longer continue their reenactment of
“Lord of the Flies.”

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