Masturbator weds vagina

A man known as the “lewd driver,” who cruises around campus revealing himself, said he felt it is time to cum clean Wednesday in a recent Snatchet interview – and boy were his hands dirty.

The campus celebrity – who frequents the 22nd and L streets corridor asking for directions to New York Avenue with a surprise peep show ready for takers – has traumatized many GW women with his slick-Willy antics. But the jig is up, he said, and he has found a permanent companion.

In an interview with The Snatchet, the man who now wishes to be called Jack said he’s ready to come to grips with his addiction.

Snatch: What’s up?

Jack: You know, for so long I thought I was performing a public service. I mean, I love porn – I thought chicks would dig seeing live porn as much as I do. But then one day I lost my touch. Well, I mean I was still touching, but nothing could get a rise out of me. I tried everything – Viagra, magazines, that Web video of a freshman taking it. Then it all changed.

Snatch: How so?

Jack: Well, I don’t normally like militant bitches, but a group of them put out this big papermache vagina on Kogan Plaza. It was a blessing in disguise. All day long, it was all I could dream off. I guess you can call me an exhibitionist, but when this came along all I wanted was a giant snatch all to myself.

Snatch: Do the words sexual predator mean anything to you?

Jack: Isn’t that a porno starring Arnold Schwartzenegger?

Snatch: (Shaking head) Did it ever occur to you that people get scared by seeing you beat off in public?

Jack: Why would you say that?

Snatch: Don’t you think that is something that’s supposed to be done in private?

Jack: Now wait . wait just a minute. Who do you think you’re talking to? I mean if I do it behind closed doors, I’m an introvert. I do it on New York Avenue, I get called a John. I do it in Dupont Circle, I get called homosexual. I just want to get a nut.

Snatch: Interesting. Ever worry the University police would catch you?

Jack: (a chuckle) We all know the answer to that one.

Snatch: Tell us about your new relationship.

Jack: Well, the papermache merkin and I have been enjoying each other’s company. Isn’t it great – a couple named Jack and the Box. We are a match made in heaven, so we eloped.

Snatch: Did it occur to you that your marriage isn’t legal?

Jack: Neither is public masturbation, eh?

Snatch: What are your plans for the next couple months?

Jack: I just want to enjoy my marital bliss. I mean every day I wake up and see a big pink toy ready and waiting, all spread out for me. I take good care of it.

Snatch: What do you want to say to all the women out there?

Jack: I want to say you’re welcome.

Snatch: How about I’m sorry?

Jack: Can you show me how to get to New York Avenue?

The Hatchet has disabled comments on our website. Learn more.