GW Japs declared a campus-wide month of mourning this week over the loss of Columbia Plaza as a viable housing option. The bitches announced they will wear all black on Friday and Saturday nights all month.
“Like there’s a fucking surprise,” was the most common response from students. Others included: “Does mourning shed fat from asses?” and “I’m gonna get laaaaid tonight.”
When University officials announced that the five-building apartment complex would only house incoming law students, many students said they were forced to reconsider their plans.
“It’s been like a dream to live in Columbia Plaza,” said Jewely Goldstein, a member of Alpha Epsilon Fine Sorority. “Now we’re reduced to living in that hell hole they call Dakota. Who would think – a Jersey girl in a place called Dakota? I’d rather tell people I’m from Suffolk County, Long Island.”
Students in AEFine and several other fraternities and sororities announced they were banding together to form a new student organization called “Black Out.”
“Now I understand that Memorial Day is coming up in two months,” said club president Brette Goldberg and member of Snatches Don’t Talk. “But we’re going to keep on wearing black all year long to protest this rape against student rights.”
The three people who showed for the event paraded around campus. They were joined by Students for Progressive Progress with a bullhorn and set up tattoo stations to paint meaningless slogans on protesters’ bodies.
“OK, so I know what you’re thinking – progressive students are dirty and usually don’t cavort with such sorority and fraternity snobs,” said Areyou Readingthis. “But would we miss protesting an issue? Hell no.”
Students were heard Thursday chanting: “What do we want? Black out. When do we want it? Now!”
By mid-afternoon the GW chapter of the NAACP was ready to call an emergency meeting to discuss the issue until members found out it was just a bunch of Jews and dirty protesters.
University officials would not return phone calls, but when we surprised President Trashandburn with a knock on his door (and a little bottle of Alize), the truth came out.
“The truth is that it’s just pressure from the Froggy Bossom Assocation,” Trashandburn said. “I mean for Pete’s sake, it’s like they’re the Gestapo.”
Some students said they were not hot and bothered by the University’s decision, citing building rules that allow you to get a room with proof of a minimal annual income.
“Jeez, it’s only $80,000 a year – my daddy set up mutual funds for me when I was born so I make twice that a year,” said Snatches are Marvelous colony member Tony Platinum, who counter-protested the protesters who were protesting the University’s policy. “Anyone who doesn’t have that much should just shut up and deal with it.”
Dawgrathy Milker said she was very happy the University was finally keeping students out of Columbia Plaza.