Inside our snatch: Flexible snatch at your service

Editor’s note: The following is not to be read by my mother, grandmother or sweet neighbor Elizabeth.

Some of you are tired of hearing about our snatch. You’d rather enjoy it immediately without the commentary or details of its complexities. But that’s life, so let me tell you about it anyway, because our snatch can be more complicated than most excited freshmen with fresh ruffies think.

First, our snatch is a big, all-encompassing snatch open for anyone’s pleasure. All kinds of people have access to our snatch. Some people pay to get in our snatch through advertising and have more control over it. Others have to earn entry. But everyone gets a peek for free. Some leaders like Senseless Association President Naughtyon Yomkippur get open access to our snatch. His promise for weekly stimulation didn’t quite pan out and he left without calling for a while – bad news for a healthy snatch.

Our snatch gets action from all sorts, from the Hishardcocks to the Pantsoffs. Our snatch reacts differently to what’s inside. It is overcome with joy at the sound of open-air ceremonies in the park (it likes public spaces) but reacts bitterly when too many people come to campus (it can only handle limited stimulation).

Our snatch is different than others on campus. It comes twice a week without fail and gets extra stimulation online regularly. Another campus snatch will tell you it comes every day on the Web, but like that girl who swore she was on the pill freshman year, it is lying. When my snatch comes, it is always an original performance, while other snatches on campus simply repeat performances by student groups who don’t know the complexities of the snatch.

Other snatches come less frequently, only when they are in the mood. They change the look and feel of their performance often but can get off quite well when the elements are just right.

People tell me our snatch is sweet. Others say it’s bitter. Some want our snatch to let out its wild side more with stimulation from drugs and scandal, while others prefer a more serious restrained snatch excited by professor-types. Drugs good, old wrinkled men not so good, says this snatch.

There’s no end to the debate, but our snatch will remain open to anyone who wants to give it a try. Like a good snatch, it adapts to different stimulants and is open for experimentation. And if you don’t like our snatch, here’s a tip: eat us.

-The writer, a member of the Order of the Hippo, has pissed off 92.44 percent of this University in his four short years.

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