Former basketball star finds religion

No, it’s not everybody’s favorite convicted felon Athrilla Causei’mbuyingsex.

Instead.

After leaving GW at the end of his depressing sophomore season – one in which he went unselected (huge understatement) in the 2001 NBA Draft, failed to lock on with an National Basketball Development League team and had little success on the corner of 14th and P streets with his “will shoot for food” sign – Yessir the Valiant Frown has found a home with RJ’s Auto & Tractor Supply Bulldogs of East Bumblefock, La.

Yessir the Valiant’s father, who says he doesn’t know where his son’s 95K Cadillac Escalade with 20-inch dubs came from but wants one of his own, announced yesterday that the former GW guard has signed a one-year contract with the eighth grade intramural basketball team.

The team competes in the St. Paul’s C.Y.O. League in the eighth grade division. Head Coach Billy Bob Ray said the team is thrilled to have him.

“We weren’t sure if we would get him or not because there was a lot of competition from other local teams,” the coach said. “But we can’t wait to begin the season with him next fall. And he can’t wait to get his hands on the boys.”

The coach also said he hadn’t decided what position Yessir the Valiant would play, but that he will consider starting him at center because he is a foot taller than the next tallest player on the team.

In a telephone interview last night, Yessir the Valiant said he is happy about the opportunity to get back on the court and thinks this will be a good way for him to develop into an NBA-caliber player.

“This will be a great way for me to work on my game and get some exposure,” Yessir the Valiant said. “These kids may be young, but they’re a lot better than you might think.”

He added, “This is a perfect fit for me, and hopefully it will lead me on to a great professional career. I know one thing: I’m gonna make some great friends here on the CYO team.”

Terms of the contract were not disclosed, but a source close to the team said Yessir the Valiant received cornbread from coach Ray’s wife as a signing bonus and will not be asked to deliver halftime and after-game snacks for the team. “I love sticking orange peels in my mouth,” Yessir the Valiant said.

Not even Elvis has had more sightings than Yessir the Valiant, who declared himself eligible for the NBA Draft after his team fell apart. The shooting guard has been seen behind a 7-11 counter in his home town of Springfield, Va., selling televisions at Circuit City and driving to City Hall dorm showing off his Escalade.

“Inside that truck, man I can watch my old coach on television,” he said, referring to the coach who led GW into the toilet last season.

Former coach Fond of Offenders has gone after fame and fortune with a major television network. The coach moonlights on the NCAA ethical committee for better basketball.

Asked about his former coach, Yessir the Valiant was understandably reserved.

“Man, he fucked us.”

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