Liquor Law Violation
3/18 Livetostudy Hall
A Community Fornicator smelled orange juice on the seventh floor. An administrative search was conducted, and an empty bottle of Fresh Samantha orange juice was confiscated. Orange juice is the latest addition to the list of beverages forbidden by the CLLC, because “if you leave it out too long and drink it, it can make you dizzy.”
Referred to SJS.
3/21 Martian Center
A UPD officer spotted a GW administrator stealing candy from a baby who was in a parked stroller. When asked to explain his actions, he said, “It’s good practice for tuition hikes.”
Drug Law Violation
3/28 Fuckright Hall
The Mightbe Police Department confiscated 100 grams of cocaine and a box of baking soda from a second floor room. UPD refused to comment on the incident fearing they might blow students’ mind by looking like they knew what they were doing. An MPD spokesman commented: “It’s fun to watch those little tikes at work. They sure do try hard.”
Destruction of Property
3/27 G Street
Senior Justwont Takeit was caught spray-painting the wall of the Sexaul Assault Expected townhouse with the words “I am, assfuck!” in response to a banner hung on the house. An SAE member took a break from simultaneously assaulting a police officer and a freshman sorority girl respond: “On the record, we’ve above this. Off the record, he just got his invitation to the circle of death.”
Referred to SJS
3/26 Strong Hall
A resident called UPD to complain that flying space monkeys were forcing their way into her room via her window. She described them as being “just like regular monkeys, but with more hair, helmets and riding atop flying scooters.” She later added that Charlton Heston, whom she recognized by his long, flowing mullet, appeared to be leading the apes on a crusade against all humans. Referred to real police.
Assault With a Deadly Weapon
Two J Street workers were arrested for assaulting each other with fish hooks, pizza cutters and long-ass fingernails yesterday after an argument erupted over who is the laziest S.O.B. of them all. A lady who only referred to herself as “Sexalacious” claimed the title of “laziest mo-fo,” but was swiftly bitch-slapped across the Buttexpander King counter when a co-worker disagree. The 40 students in line reported no unusual delay after the 40-minute death match that ensued.
-compiled by Arenti Casanova