THRUSTIN HALL – CNN host Stuckher Inthrustin was found unconscious in a pool of his own vomit Sunday night after an apparent trifecta of sex, drugs and bush jumping during a weekend-long visit to his new GW stomping grounds, his fan club reported.
Inthrustin was taken to the GW Hospital, where 80 ounces of Old English, three blunts, five grams of crack cocaine and a nipple ring were pumped from his stomach just one day before his show “Crossminded” airs from GW. Students who partied with Inthurstin described him as wild, drunk and boyishly cute.
“When I saw the bow tie, I was like, ‘Yo, Anthony Williams, come smoke a bowl with us,'” freshman Senor Smokesalot said. “It was weird, we were smoking a blunt and he just grabbed the shit and ate it. The man’s nuts.”
Freshman Slutty Prada-diva said she got intimate with Inthrustin in her Thrustin Hall room.
“As soon as I got those images of my five-year-old brother out of my mind, we were all good,” she said. “He kept calling me Billy-boy, though. Is that a Connecticut thing?”
CNN spokeswoman Iaint Sayinshit had not comment on the weekend’s events, but said recently-canned host Feel Depressed will take his place for the first week. Depressed was booted from the lineup for considering guest viewpoints and his overall courteous nature, Aintsayinshit said off the record.
Vice President of Communicating the Message You Want to Hear Mightcallyou Withspin said the developments will only positively affect GW.
“The developments will only positively effect GW,” Withspin said, adding that Inthrustin was simply getting better in touch with his new audience.
Withspin continued, “What do you want, a host who doesn’t know what it’s like to grind with a CF to “The Thong Song”? Looks to me that, besides that whole 4-SLOWRIDE incident, it was a pretty chill weekend.”
Inthrustin reportedly carjacked a 4-SLOWRIDE van on 22nd Street when the driver stopped in a dark alley to take a leak.
Charlie Noodles, who was on the scene in GW attire, said the UPD driver quit.
“He said something like, ‘Fuck this man, I can’t take this shit every week.'”
UPD Disciple DeLord of Strokinghermullet could not confirm any of the incidents.
“I don’t know what happened. Go ask MPD, they handle the real crime. I’ve got reports of a giant vagina on campus,” Strokinghermullet said.
Freshman Willmarry Formoney, president of the Prepubescent Republican Appreciation Committee, Inthrustin’s official fan club, pieced together the weekend’s events for The Snatchet.
After spending the afternoon shopping for bow ties with University Overlord Still Just Tokinbud, Inthrustin hit up the U-Club happy hour held in his honor by former Shady Association President Doit’tillit Hurts.
Inthrustin charmed the freshman waitress with sweet whispers of tax cuts and anecdotes about John Ashcroft.
After being rejected from HoHo’s because he had no ID, Inthrustin returned to the freshman hall of debauchery, where many Web videos were made. His fan club reports Inthurstin has switched parties, realizing that, “Democrats get more play.”
“Yo, that’s a fucked up name you gave me,” Hurts said.