BZA doesn’t affect students

A Buysnothing Zattheuniversitysays Aboutthecampus committee ruled Tuesday to force GW to house 110 percent of its students on campus by next fall.

The same day, the Advice Nobodyingovernment Caresabout commission voted to force GW to analyze the noise generated by students sitting on the new solid gold couches on he fourth floor of the library, which ANC member Marie von Tilex said disturbed the “tax-paying, non-communist, teetotalling population of Smokey Ass.”

During the meeting, ANC member Darth Mallhair called other board members “poopy-heads” and made her patent “bullshit” cough sound repeatedly while ANC member Jiffy Martian assured all sides he was on their side. ANC chair Lizardbath L. E. Ott-no told Mallhair to stop talking after she said she heard that GW was going to buy her house and sell it to the Taliban.

University Senior Counsel Chuckie B said the Board’s ruling was “dumb as hell” and the University would appeal to the World Court in The Hague. When asked when this appeal would happen, B replied “as soon as we get President Tokinblunts out of the Amsterdam hash bars.”

The ruling was met with little notice from GW students.

“Yeah, whatever dude, I’m going to transfer to G-Town next year anyway,” freshman Toodumbtogetin Thefirsttime said. Other students agreed.

Besides a lack of student interest, the BZA’s ruling has caused the
Comeon Letsstopthese Longass Concoctionsofwords to change all rooms in Thurston to octuples.

CLLC emperor Roomsareall Gone defended his group’s decision.

“We did this to foster a peaceful and meaningful environment of community and lovemaking for all mankind through close-knit interaction with fellow scholars of all backgrounds.”

When asked if any students were consulted in this decision, Vincent said he talked to Realestate Holesaler Association president Noill Reframefromlongnameswheniwantto.

“I basically did the opposite of everything she recommended,” he said. “If she wanted fewer people in a room, I put more; and if she wanted us to buy more residence halls for the 8,000 extra freshman we let in accidentally this year, I made sure to demolish some. Plus this fits in with the University’s new Students First initiative, as we made sure to screw the students first.”

The Hatchet has disabled comments on our website. Learn more.