Merely minutes after the announcement of the tragic breakup of Justin Timberlake and the vivacious Britney Spears, the pop-diva cum legitimate film star was spotted in J Street making come-hither glances at GW’s number one policy wonk, Posh Swinger.
But almost as soon as word spread of Swinger’s sexual victory, campus sources reported a sea change in alliances. The comely young Ms. Spears had realigned herself and was now with Swinger campus nemesis, Still Robbingelections.
“It’s true,” Spears gushed, “I made the switch. No more longs nights of useless politicizing and pompous bureaucratic dialogue before bed. Still completes in a much greater sense. And by that I mean he has a giant horsecock he is willing to lob at me anytime I please.”
Swinger expressed confusion over the change of allegiances.
“I’m so confused,” he lamented. “I though Still was with Manly.”
Manly Greasypalms, Phil’s longtime political partner, said he has no problem sharing his new SA president with Spears.
“There’s more than enough horsecock for everyone,” he said. “In many ways, Spears comes as a sort of relief.”
Swinger sought solace after losing Spears and found it in Vice Yesman -elect D’Eric DaLaylow. Students reported seeing the two filibustering each other in the men’s bathroom of the Marvin Center’s fourth floor. However, neither Swinger nor DaLaylow would confirm or deny witness accounts.
“I will say I was there,” admitted Swinger, “But I won’t name any of the other eight men involved.”
DaLaylo called for a cease on the attacks of Swinger’s character publicly commenting, “Swinger has gone through enough. Now’s a time when he needs empathy. And by empathy, I mean eight other men feeling his pain in a public bathroom.”
When reached for comment in regards to his unfortunate degeneration, Swinger had only one man to blame.
“First you steal my election, then you steal my bitch. Damn you Still, damn you to hell.”
So does Britney feel any regret? Her comments on the subject were succinct but largely emotional. “Horsecock,” she said tearfully. “Horsecock.”