Around This Shithole

PB messed up, again

Programming Bullshit Concert Couch Posh Doyouwantmybody said he “was happy” to bring Chumbawumba and Lou Bega to campus calling them “popular modern-day acts.”

“I am happy to announce that we that students will be able to dance to ‘Tubthumping’ and ‘Mambo Number Five’ in the Smith Center,” Doyouwantmybody said, clutching the Nov. 1997 issue of Rolling Stone.

Students listening to Doyouwantmybody’s press conference jaws dropped when they heard of groups.

“What the hell is wrong with them?” said sophomore Paying Toomuch. “I cant believe my tuition dollars are going to hearing ‘Mambo Number Five,’ I have spent years trying to forget that song ever existed.”

Doyouwantmybody said they were looking at the “guys who did the Macarena” and Ace of Base but chose Bega and Chumbawumba due to “student interest.”

He was unable to cite any students who were interested in the acts.

“I hope this unappreciative student body finally is happy with what we got,” Doyouwantmybody said. “Just because we are incompetent doesn’t mean GW students arent seeing good concert acts.I mean, shit.”

He said Programming Bullshit chairs spent half of this years $200,000 budget going to mainstream concert acts to “check out if they are good enough for GW.”

“Dave Matthews, Britney Spears and J. Lo are so overdone, we wanted something different, you can listen to those acts on the radio anyway,” Doyouwantmybody said.

SJT: Ivy for everyone

University Czar Stillnot J. Toptier said GW is sure to be on the list of top 50 schools after planting ivy seeds to grow along the wall outside the Marvin Center.

“We may not be a member of the Ivy League, but ivy at GW would make those students who got rejected from the good schools feel better,” Toptier said. “Wait, that’s off the record.”

Toptier declined to comment on how much the ivy cost, and then went back to scrutinizing a D.C. map.

“We’ve tried building gates, ringing chimes and starting our own secret society,” he said. “If this doesn’t work, we’ll repeat what we’ve said along, ‘we don’t care about rankings anyway.'”

Hell Well opens pool

OK, we’re just kidding, didn’t really happen. Of course it didn’t happen because it’s never going to be open, you pathetic whiney little freshmen. Go take you’re my Little Pony towel, Kenneth Cole sandals and Captain Planet swim trunks to the Potomac and have yourself some fun, because there’s no pool and there never will be.

Clinton’s cigar came from GW

In a startling new twist to Snatchgate, independent prosecutor and GW alumnus Cannot Start has traced the infamous lewd cigar used to stimulate fat, thong-wearing interns to GW. It appears Clinton got his happy sticks from GW Athletic Dick Lacking Pants.

Pants, who gets his shit from local Mafia racketeering joint Meo’s, said he had no idea how his cigars ended up in Monica’s cooch.

“I knew that white-haired pedophile was doing some weird, kinky shit with my stogies, but I thought there was an understanding that I was only giving him the top-shelf goods for an equally primo piece of tail,” Pants said chomping an unlit cigar.

The Snatchet caught up with Clinton in London, where he was stopping his daughter from eloping, for comment.

“I don’t know what he’s talking about. Besides, I’m asking for my
money back, because these chicks are getting infections from his so-called primo shit.”

SA president freakier than we thought

The Snatchet has obtained pictures of Outgoing Sucking Ass Pissant Rather Boring’s two-month hiatus away from campus last fall. It turns out Boring was in an “undisclosed” location with Vice President Dick Cheney. The pictures reveal the two were doing body shots off Chelsea Clinton in Manchester.

Boring said he was able to suavely lure Chelsea into freak-nastiness by imitating of her father.

“I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Chelsea Clinton. But I did make finger cuffs out of her with Tricky Dick,” Boring said, unsure of what that even means.

When confronted with the pictures, Boring grabbed them, stuffed them down his pants and gyrated profusely. The Snatchet did not ask for them back.

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